Still I Will Praise You

I have $800 due for my Kenya trip tomorrow and I have pretty much none of it. I know this is a rough way to start out a blog post, but it's what's on my mind. I'm sure this is going to be a very vulnerable post, so bear with me.

I wasn't okay with this. I didn't know how to deal with it, because I have never been called to a trip God didn't provide for. I have always, always had God come through, and tonight, I don't really know if that is going to happen. It's hard. It makes me question God. It makes me question myself. It makes me question if I really heard from God calling me on this trip or not.

I'll be honest with you guys. I've been ignoring God a lot this past week, for a few reasons. One of the main reasons was because I didn't know how to be okay with this whole money situation. I spent some time with God tonight, though, and He spoke a few things to me about this.

He brought me to the story in Daniel about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. If you've ever been in Sunday school, you know the story. They were about to get thrown into a fiery furnace for not bowing down to an idol and they responded in Daniel 3:17-18

"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and He will rescue us from your hand. But even if He does not, we want you to know that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."

Those verses just blow my mind. I can't believe the amount of trust those three men had in God. They weren't facing $800. They were facing a life or death situation, and they chose to stare into those flames and say their trust was still in the Lord. I really love verse 18, where they say, "Even if He does not, we want you to know we will not serve your gods." That's so amazing to me. I want to have that kind of faith, that kind of trust. I want to be able to say, "Even if God doesn't provide this $800, I will still serve Him." And tonight, I will say that. I will trust God, regardless of what happens with this money.

God may provide in a miraculous way for me tonight. He may not. But whatever happens, I will still serve Him. I will still put all my trust and faith in Him. I will still follow Him. I will still love Him with all of my heart. Because He is my God, and in all things, He is faithful.

Thankful

Today, I am so thankful. I am so blessed. God has blessed me so much and I constantly stand amazed by Him.

It's a tradition in our family to go around the table and say what we're thankful for before we eat every Thanksgiving. Usually, I say things like family or friends, and don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for those things too, but today I had a new thing to say. I am thankful for North Central. I am thankful for these past couple of months. Looking back to who I was when I left this town, I am so incredibly different from that person. I have changed so much and God has been a huge part of that. He has taken me to North Central, blessed me with all my friends there, and changed me from the inside out. And for that, I am thankful.

I am thankful today for journeys. I am thankful for the hard times, for the times I sat in my bed staring at the celling wanting nothing but to turn around and quit. I am thankful for the times I've spent in the prayer room, begging God to give me some answers. I am thankful for chapel, for my professors, for praise gatherings, for the students at NCU. I am thankful for the people God placed in my life these past few months to help me grow even closer to Him. I am thankful for the Friday nights I've spent trying to find something to do with some of the best people I've ever met. I am thankful for the fact that every single night, I am amazed at how beautiful Minneapolis is. I am thankful for the horrible winter that's about to come, for the snowball fights and snow angels I have made and will continue to make. I am thankful for 4 North, the best floor ever. I am thankful for having two homes now. I am so thankful.

I think today of all the NCU students, spread across the country, spending Thanksgiving with our families. I miss everyone already and I am so blessed to be apart of such an incredible community.

Thank you, God.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Longing

Before I start off this post, I have a prayer request for all you guys out there. I just found out yesterday that in 15 days, I owe $800 for my Kenya mission trip this Spring Break. I'm trusting that God will provide and that He will prove Himself faithful, I just also need a lot of prayer. Pray that the money comes in and pray that I will be strong and have the faith that it will in fact come in.

Okay, moving on.

Today, I fasted. I was praying mainly about the Kenya trip and the funds that go along with it. Tonight, we had a Miller Hall LifeCore where all the girls from Miller Hall got together and did a service and just ran after God. It was a really great night, but I was so distracted by how hungry I was. I realized that I was focused more on the fact that I would be able to eat in a few hours than on the service. God really spoke something to my heart at that moment. What if I longed after God the way I longed after food? What if I realized that I need Him more than I need food? What if I hungered and thirsted after Him as passionately as I do for actual food and water? How, then, would He be able to move in my life?

I want to. I want to have such a hunger for God, others can see it in me. I want to be so passionate about seeking His face. I want to fall so deeply in love with Him. I want to long after His touch and His presence in my life. I want to get to that place of intimacy with Him, but I don't know how.

So I guess that brings me to a second prayer request for you guys. Please be praying that God will teach me how to hunger after Him, how to truly long for and seek after Him with all that I've got.

Thanks guys, you're the best! (:

You Make All Things New

A few small things came to an end today. Normally, these would be things that I wouldn't think twice about, but today, they caught my attention. I'm not sure why, but they got me thinking.

The first of these things was that I finished writing in the last page of my prayer journal during my time with God today. I know, it's only a journal, and to probably anybody but me, it doesn't mean anything. But to me, that journal contains my thoughts, fears, ambitions, dreams, tears, and cries to God. The first entry in that journal was made June 13th of this year. At that time, I was questioning the call God had placed on my life to come here to North Central, and now, as I wrote the few last sentences in this journal, I know with complete assurance that I am supposed to be here and this is my home. I have been through so much from the time I wrote the first word on those pages to today - when I wrote the last word. I have been on a crazy journey with God, and now, as I look at that journal - I know that He was there every step of the way. He was there, listening to my every prayer and thought. He never left my side, and He never will. He has brought me through what has been the craziest and hardest times of my life in these past few months, and I am thankful for that journal to be a reminder of what God has done in my life. I am thankful that I am not the same person I was when I started that journal.

On the last page of my journal, I wrote this:
"I'm on the last page, God. Thank you for this journal and the journey it represents. Bless the people that gave this to me. Lord, thank you that this is not the end of a journey, but only the beginning. I wish I could end at a better spot, but God you are still moving and working and I believe that you will do that in my life until the day I die.
Be with me always, Lord. Never leave my side. Burn a passion for you so bright in my heart. Give me your heart, your burden for your people.
I will never find the words to describe you. You are awesome, Lord. Thank you for being al that you are. Thank you for faith. Thank you that I do not understand you, but you are always faithful.
I love you God.
Your will be done, forever and ever, amen."

While I was writing those words, God showed me that His work will never be done in my life. He will never stop moving and drawing me closer to Him. He will always make new things in my life. And I don't know about you, but that just amazes me. It is so awesome to me that my God loves me enough to keep working in my life every single day until the day that I die. And because of this, I will chose to praise Him all of my days. I will chose to put Him first always, even on the off days, because God is still moving. And that is just incredible.

Another thing that came to an end today for me was the New Testament. I've been reading through it since I went on my trip to NYC this past summer, and today I finally read the last few chapters of Revelations. I thought it was pretty cool how two things that have to do with my personal life with God came to an end today. In those chapters, I found the verse Revelation 21:5, which says "I am making everything new!" It was really going along with what God was already speaking to me, so I thought it was great.

I love that God is making new things in my life, and that He will never stop bringing me closer to Him and creating me to be more like Him. I am so thankful for all that He has done in my life, for this journey I am on with Him, and that He will never stop. It's all really, really awesome. I serve an amazing God.

[Oh, and random side note: look up Revelation 21:3-4 sometime. Those verses are a really awesome reminder of what it's going to be like once we finally see Jesus.]

God bless you guys today. I hope you're all doing well and that through reading this (really long) post, God was able to at least speak something to your heart. You are all in my prayers and I hope that your journeys with God are going as well as mine is. Remember that He will never leave you and He is always looking to do new things in your life, you just have to let Him.

Peace to you all. (:

Just a Little Something to Remember

"You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world."
-1 John 4:4

I read this this morning and really loved it, so I thought I should share it with you guys. I'm going to try to do this more often. I've been waking up 20 minutes early and reading a few chapters in my Bible before I start the day and I'm planning on picking a verse a day from that reading to memorize and meditate on throughout the day. It's pretty sweet. God's word is awesome.

Faith

I wish I could sit here and type out a whole blog post about everything God is doing in my life, because it is just so amazing, but unfortunately, it's almost midnight and I have a 7:45 class in the morning, so this is going to have to be short, sweet, and to the point.

God is doing huge, and I really do mean huge, things in my life. The two main ones include going to a different country and sort of changing what I have planned for my life. For the first one, I'm applying to go to Kenya this Spring Break on a Ninedays trip. The second, well, I have this new dream. I want to open a home for teens recovering from the addiction of self-mutilation. It's a bit more intricate than that, but that's basically it.

I know these things may not seem very huge, but let me give you a little bit of background. My whole life, I've known I'm going to be a missionary. I'm called to go to the ends of the Earth and preach the Good News to anyone that will listen. I know that. I've always known that. I think it was in Junior High or something like that when God specifically told me it was going to be to China. So ever since then, I have been set in stone about the fact that I am going to China and teaching English and telling people about God. Well. God may have different plans. With the Kenya thing, one of the trips I could go on is to Asia. I thought that was the trip I was going to go on. It only made sense, right? Apparently not. I prayed about it and a lot of things happened to confirm (long stories) that I am, in fact, supposed to go to Kenya instead. With the opening a home for teens struggling with self-mutilation thing, well, that kind of goes against everything I have ever planned for my life, against everything I have known God has been calling me to. But now He's calling me to this. It's really confusing. Trust me, I know.

I don't know what God's doing right now. I don't know if I'm going to open a home in China or somewhere else or what. I don't know if this new calling means I'm not going to be a missionary (though I really hope and don't think it means that at all). I don't understand. I have no idea what's going on, but that is so beautiful. It is so beautiful because all of my life I have been the type of person that needs every little detail of my life planned out. I'm really crazy about it, and this new thing God is doing in my life - it terrifies me. It makes me feel like I've had it all wrong. But it also excites me. It makes me so excited, because each day is a new surprise now. It's so incredible to watch God move.

The main thing all of this is taking is faith - faith that He knows what He's doing, faith that I will somehow get the finances to go to Kenya (because Lord knows I have no idea where that money is coming from). I am needing to put a whole heck of a lot of faith in God, and that is what He has been teaching me. He has brought many, many Bible verses to me about faith (Hebrews 11 is my new life chapter for this season in my life) and today in church, the sermon was about faith. Coincidence? I think not.

So I'm on this new journey with God. This journey of pursuing my dreams and seeking after God with everything in me, this journey of putting faith in God because I know He will not let me down. It's terrifying. I hate it. But I also love it. It's so cool. God is so cool. I love this.

Pray for me, guys. I'm gonna need it.

These moments.

Chapel today was awesome. Jared Anderson lead worship and there wasn't a message or anything, we just worshiped God the whole time. I loved it. I am a total worshipper. I could just spend hours in a service like that, worshiping Christ, and I'd be totally content with my life.

God really speaks to me through worship, and today, He gave me a simple but very profound word. Throughout my life, I have had some really awesome moments with God; New Zealand, Europe, Haiti, Acquire The Fire, Church camp, EMU lock-ins, etc. They have all been incredible and God has touched me in them, and I often look to them to remember how amazing God is. I find myself often thinking back on the way that God moved in those moments and asking God to show up in a similar way.

Well, today, God kept telling me the words "these moments" and at first I didn't really understand what He was saying, but I realized after a while what He meant. My life here, now, at college, is one of those moments. Sure, it's extended on a longer period of time, but my life right now - I am living in one of those moments. These moments, this life - God is here and He is working and it's incredible, and some day I am going to look back on these moments and think "wow, those four years changed my life. God really moved there." It's just really encouraging to me.

Oh, and another thing. For the first time ever today while I was praying during worship, I told God that I am home. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but to me it meant a whole lot. I've been really struggling with feeling at home here, and wow, I just declared it today that this is my home and with Him is where I belong always, regardless of location. He has me here now, and that means I am home. Pretty cool, huh?

(: