Wow, it has been a very long time since I have even thought about this blog, and oh my, a lot has changed since the last time I posted. I finished my first year at NCU, had one of the worst summers ever, and finally came back home. I'm now about a month or so into my sophomore year of college and have a lot of things to share with you guys. I'm a DL (discipleship leader) on my floor and loving every second of being able to pour into girls' lives, I've got a new boyfriend who is honestly the most amazing man I have ever met (besides my daddy, of course), and I'm just kind of living life as it goes. I'm insanely busy (I should probably be doing homework right now, actually) and learning how to manage school, being a DL, spending time with my boyfriend, Jesus, and friends off of the floor has been quite a difficult thing to do and is something I'm still learning. Keeping God first in the midst of all of this busy-ness is difficult sometimes and has been a struggle for me, but I'm learning.
When I came back here, I was so excited for this year. I had been counting down the days since I left last year (I'm serious - I had a count down app on my iPod). I could not wait to finally get back home and see all of my friends again and get back into the swing of things. Things here last year were amazing. I loved every second of being at this school. The beauty of the city left me breathless every night. I had the most incredible friends in the world and was just living it up so big. It was all new and exciting and I was finally independent. I remember just sitting in the car on the way to Applebee's (since we literally went there about twice a week) and thinking to myself "This is it. This is the best moment of my life." And I would think that multiple times a week. The people crammed into Austin's tiny car with me had become my second family and I could not imagine life without them.
Going back to the mitten state for summer was one of the hardest things for me to do. I hated this summer. Absolutely hated it. The only good things that came out of this summer were finally dating Zeke and finally getting out of Bedford when my family moved to Ann Arbor. Sure, getting to spend time with my family was great, but my heart ached to be in this city again.
So, I came back here expecting things to be just like last year. I came back expecting to run and scream and hug everyone and just jump back into the swing of things - going to Applebee's or having a dance party every night. I expected to be care-free and left breathless by this city. So far this year, life has been anything but care-free. It has been busy. It has been rough. I has been difficult. It has been trying and stretching and depressing. It has had good moments, yes, but over all, this year has been really hard on me.
I think that one of the main reasons this year is so hard is because I keep comparing it to last year and it's hard for me to accept that last year is over and that this year is not going to be exactly like last year. People that were a huge part of last year aren't here anymore and it's time to move on and make new friends. It's time to let go of what happened last year and make new memories. It's just hard. Because I'm busy now, because I have responsibilities now, because I don't have time to just have fun every moment of my life. I have to grow up and I have to do grown-up things, and sometimes doing grown-up things means letting God lead you through some rough stuff. About a week or so into being here this year, my boyfriend and I decided to take a break for a week and learn how to get God in the center of our relationship again. That was rough. God's shown me that I'm not going to know the future this year because He's going to teach me to trust Him more. That's rough. I'm busy. That's rough.
It has been a rocky start. There have been moments, days, weeks - where I've just wanted to go back to the mitten state. I've wanted to throw in the towel and take a year off. I've wanted to go back to Ann Arbor and spend time with my awesome family and not have to worry about what meeting I have to be at or what paper I have to write. I've wanted to give up. But I know, deep in my heart, that God has planned for me to do this. He has prepared it for me and set me in this year for a reason. I'm not here by mistake. I know I'm supposed to be here and I know that eventually, this year will be even better than last year. It just takes some time. I have to keep reminding myself of these things. I have to remind myself that I am a DL on the best floor ever and that God has placed these girls in my life for a reason. I have to remind myself that these girls are amazing and fun to be around and I always have a blast whenever I get to spend time with them. I have to remind myself that God has blessed me with a pretty stinking awesome boyfriend. I have to remind myself that my best friend is the hugest blessing in my life. I have to remind myself that God's got me and that even though things may be rough right now, they won't always be. I will get into the swing of things. I will learn how to manage my time. I will learn how to be a leader on this floor and to glorify God in everything I do.
I will be okay, and this year will be amazing. New memories will be made. Last year was great and that's awesome, but last year is over. It's time to live for this year, and this year will rock.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
Looking Back: What I Would Have Said
Today, I got a Facebook message from my friend Amanda (side note: check out her blog, it's great!). Anyway, the message was asking if we could tell our junior-high self one thing, what would it be? And that got me thinking. What would I say to my junior high self? What would I say to my high school self? What would I say to the girl that walked into this school nine months ago? What would I say, if I could?
It may be silly to think this way, but I know I would have a lot to say. I would tell my junior-high self to keep my eyes on Jesus, always. To never walk away. To chose my friends very wisely. I know, now, that my junior-high self would have never listened, as rebellious as I was. I would have done the opposite, but I now wish someone had told me these things. I wish someone had told me that life isn't perfect and the world I was finding out about is a scary place, but that doesn't mean you have to hide away from it, burrowing deeper into yourself, not allowing anyone to even come close to cracking your shell. I wish someone had told me that the friends I chose then were going to impact me in ways I never wanted to be impacted. I wish someone had told me to never, ever pick up that razor blade for the first time. I wish someone had told me I was worth more than every scar, every lie Satan had thrown at me. I wish someone had told me, and I wish, with everything in me, that I had it in me then to listen.
I would tell my high-school self that those four years suck. They suck, but they are filled with memories that will last a lifetime. I would have told myself to hold onto the few good moments and cherish them because they won't last long. I would have told myself to work less and spend more time with my best friend, because moving 700some miles away makes your best friend a stranger. I would have told myself that those friendships weren't going to last forever, they simply weren't, but that they were friendships I should have been more grateful for. I would tell myself that my worth is not found in relationships with boys. And, now, too, I wish someone had told me these things. I wish someone would have told me that high school relationships are the most pointless things on the face of the Earth and that boys lie and it sucks, but that there are actually good ones out there, so don't lose hope. I wish someone would have told me that a broken heart is not the end of the world, that there are much worse things that could happen to you, and that sometimes you just have to suck it up, delete his number, and move the heck on. I wish someone would have told me that girl talk is a deadly thing, that you need to spend more time praying about something than you do talking about it, and that gossip destroys friendships. I wish someone would have told me that the mistakes I made didn't define me. I wish someone would have told me that high school is pointless - that you don't need to work your butt off and freak out about every grade, because North Central really doesn't care anyway.
I would tell my nine-month-ago self that it gets better. That the first month of college is the hardest month of your life, that you will spend hours crying and praying that God will bring you through this. But I would tell myself that God will, in fact, bring you through this. I would tell myself to spend as much time as possible with Phoenicia, because she is going to become the most incredible best friend you will ever have. I would tell myself to loosen up a bit, that it's okay to be silly and be yourself around people. I would tell myself to cherish every moment, every memory, every trip to Applebee's, every walk to the Stone Arch, ever all-nighter, every baseball game, every ounce of laughter, every friendship, every late-night talk about God, every chapel service, every second in the prayer room, every Just Dance game, every movie, every single moment. I would tell myself to hold onto them with all that I've got because those moments have been all put together to make up the best fricken year of my life. I would tell myself that in nine months, I would be crying and begging God to make the time pass as slowly as possible because I love this place so much. And I wish someone had told me this. I wish someone had told me that the time flies way too quickly and that the friendships I made this year are going to be the people I'll know and cherish for the rest of my life, so I better take my time getting to know them. I wish someone had told me that the last week hits you like a brick, that it's the hardest thing in the world to realize that your best year of your life is almost over. I wish someone had told me to slow down and to cherish all of this.
I wish I could tell myself. I wish someone had told me. And perhaps someone did. Perhaps someone told me in junior high to chose my friends wisely, or in high school to focus more on God than relationships. I'm sure that somewhere along the way someone had told me these things. But I didn't listen. It went in one ear and out the other. I didn't pay attention to their words of wisdom and that's a shame, but it's something I can stop doing now. I can stop going back and wishing I had told myself these things or that someone had told me these things, and I can realize that right now, this moment, I will look back on it someday. And I don't want that day to be filled with "I wish I had listened"s. I want to take advantage of the wisdom of the people around me and actually listen to them. I want to listen to myself. I want to listen to God. I want to look at my life in the light of "in ten years, what am I going to want to tell myself now?" and I want to listen to those things.
So I will. I'll try, at least. To listen more. To myself and to my God and to my parents and to my professors and to my friends. I'll try to make it so that ten years from now, when I look back on the best times of my life, I won't have anything to say but "good job."
It may be silly to think this way, but I know I would have a lot to say. I would tell my junior-high self to keep my eyes on Jesus, always. To never walk away. To chose my friends very wisely. I know, now, that my junior-high self would have never listened, as rebellious as I was. I would have done the opposite, but I now wish someone had told me these things. I wish someone had told me that life isn't perfect and the world I was finding out about is a scary place, but that doesn't mean you have to hide away from it, burrowing deeper into yourself, not allowing anyone to even come close to cracking your shell. I wish someone had told me that the friends I chose then were going to impact me in ways I never wanted to be impacted. I wish someone had told me to never, ever pick up that razor blade for the first time. I wish someone had told me I was worth more than every scar, every lie Satan had thrown at me. I wish someone had told me, and I wish, with everything in me, that I had it in me then to listen.
I would tell my high-school self that those four years suck. They suck, but they are filled with memories that will last a lifetime. I would have told myself to hold onto the few good moments and cherish them because they won't last long. I would have told myself to work less and spend more time with my best friend, because moving 700some miles away makes your best friend a stranger. I would have told myself that those friendships weren't going to last forever, they simply weren't, but that they were friendships I should have been more grateful for. I would tell myself that my worth is not found in relationships with boys. And, now, too, I wish someone had told me these things. I wish someone would have told me that high school relationships are the most pointless things on the face of the Earth and that boys lie and it sucks, but that there are actually good ones out there, so don't lose hope. I wish someone would have told me that a broken heart is not the end of the world, that there are much worse things that could happen to you, and that sometimes you just have to suck it up, delete his number, and move the heck on. I wish someone would have told me that girl talk is a deadly thing, that you need to spend more time praying about something than you do talking about it, and that gossip destroys friendships. I wish someone would have told me that the mistakes I made didn't define me. I wish someone would have told me that high school is pointless - that you don't need to work your butt off and freak out about every grade, because North Central really doesn't care anyway.
I would tell my nine-month-ago self that it gets better. That the first month of college is the hardest month of your life, that you will spend hours crying and praying that God will bring you through this. But I would tell myself that God will, in fact, bring you through this. I would tell myself to spend as much time as possible with Phoenicia, because she is going to become the most incredible best friend you will ever have. I would tell myself to loosen up a bit, that it's okay to be silly and be yourself around people. I would tell myself to cherish every moment, every memory, every trip to Applebee's, every walk to the Stone Arch, ever all-nighter, every baseball game, every ounce of laughter, every friendship, every late-night talk about God, every chapel service, every second in the prayer room, every Just Dance game, every movie, every single moment. I would tell myself to hold onto them with all that I've got because those moments have been all put together to make up the best fricken year of my life. I would tell myself that in nine months, I would be crying and begging God to make the time pass as slowly as possible because I love this place so much. And I wish someone had told me this. I wish someone had told me that the time flies way too quickly and that the friendships I made this year are going to be the people I'll know and cherish for the rest of my life, so I better take my time getting to know them. I wish someone had told me that the last week hits you like a brick, that it's the hardest thing in the world to realize that your best year of your life is almost over. I wish someone had told me to slow down and to cherish all of this.
I wish I could tell myself. I wish someone had told me. And perhaps someone did. Perhaps someone told me in junior high to chose my friends wisely, or in high school to focus more on God than relationships. I'm sure that somewhere along the way someone had told me these things. But I didn't listen. It went in one ear and out the other. I didn't pay attention to their words of wisdom and that's a shame, but it's something I can stop doing now. I can stop going back and wishing I had told myself these things or that someone had told me these things, and I can realize that right now, this moment, I will look back on it someday. And I don't want that day to be filled with "I wish I had listened"s. I want to take advantage of the wisdom of the people around me and actually listen to them. I want to listen to myself. I want to listen to God. I want to look at my life in the light of "in ten years, what am I going to want to tell myself now?" and I want to listen to those things.
So I will. I'll try, at least. To listen more. To myself and to my God and to my parents and to my professors and to my friends. I'll try to make it so that ten years from now, when I look back on the best times of my life, I won't have anything to say but "good job."
Friday, March 30, 2012
Stories
Today is Wear TWLOHA day. I haven't posted about the organization TWLOHA much yet, other than to note a few quotes from the founder (and my personal hero) Jamie Tworkowski. I'm not sure why I haven't posted about it yet, other than the fact that it just hasn't really come up yet.
I love TWLOHA (To Write Love On Her Arms). For my readers that don't really know what that is, in a nut shell it is an organization that seeks to speak into the darkness of depression and to reach out to those dealing with self-mutilation and other similar addictions. It's an organization that I stand behind fully. I am passionate about their cause. If you want to know more about them, I'd encourage you to check out their website here.
TWLOHA is encouraging their supporters to wear TWLOHA apparel today in an attempt to open doors and make opportunities to spread their message today. They are encouraging people to tell their stories. TWLOHA is all about stories. They talk a lot about the fact that you are a living story and your story is important.
All of this is not to simply state my support for an organization that I love, but to segue into what I've been wanting to post about today: the concept of story. Stories fascinate me. Perhaps it is because I am a writer and have an incredible love for words, but the fact that I am a living story is so amazing to me. Every day of my life is a new page, and I just think that's so cool. I am a living story, and that means that I have something worth telling people.
A few weeks ago, someone spoke in chapel about stories. I loved the sermon and look back at my notes often. Something that he pointed out was about who we're allowing to write our stories. Who has the pen? Who is in control? I know that often times, I try to be the writer of my own story. I try to take control, and I always fail. I always screw it up. But I've found that when I release control and allow God to write my story, He is faithful. Psalm 139:16 says "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." God has already written our stories. I just think that's so cool. God already has this incredible story written out for us, and we just have to walk in that story and let him take the pen.
One thing I've been praying over today as Wear TWLOHA day is Psalm 139:11-12. " If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,' even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you." I've been praying that stories will be told, that people would have the boldness to stand up with shaking knees and voices and tell their friends that they are currently, or have in the past, struggled with things like self-mutilation. I've been praying that through that, the hope of Christ would be revealed and darkness would be defeated. I've been praying against the strongholds of depression and addiction. I've been praying that lives would be changed and healed today.
I want to encourage you to tell your story. It is worth telling and you have been given it for a reason. No matter what mistakes you've made or things you've struggled with, God has a reason for your story. I believe that telling our stories will change others. I believe that that's why God gave us these stories. I believe that if we are not telling our stories we are not allowing God to work through the story He has given us.
I know it's hard to tell your story sometimes. It's hard to stand up and talk to someone that's struggling with something you've once struggled with and say that you've been there too. It's scary. It's not an easy thing to do, but I know we should. I know I should.
I don't freely tell my story. I don't just open up to everyone about what I've struggled with in the past. It's not something I usually share. But I've realized that I am robbing God of the ability to work through me when I refuse to tell the story He's given me. When I refuse to reach out to the girl downtown with scars up and down her arms and tell her that I know there is hope because I have personally been delivered from struggles with depression and self-mutilation, I am making my story useless. I went through those things for no reason if I don't use my story to reach others for Christ.
So today, I will tell my story. I will be vulnerable. And I will be very, very afraid. A lot of tears will be shed today, by me, and by many others in the world. But knowing that there are countless others out there wearing TWLOHA apparel and standing with me, speaking stories of hope and truth, makes it a little bit easier. Because others tell their stories, I will have the boldness to tell mine. Because Christ gave me this story, I will make Him known through it.
Monday, March 26, 2012
No Complaints
I complain a lot. I'm pretty sure that about 70% of the things that I say are complaints, if not more. I don't know why I complain so much, I just do. It fills the time. It seems like the only thing to say sometimes. It's not like I have a horrible life. I love my life. I am so blessed. But I still complain, a lot.
Yesterday, out of the blue, I decided that today I would not complain at all. I dragged two of my friends along with me on my adventure of not complaining so I had some moral support and people to keep me accountable when I started complaining.
I realized I complain a lot more than I thought. Before today, I didn't realize how much I complain. And it's about useless things, too. I say I'm tired a lot. And really, who cares? We're in college. We're all tired, and me sitting here complaining about my lack of sleep isn't helping that fact. I also complain in my mind a lot. Most of the things I have to think are complaints about something. And even though I took the time today to try hard to make sure those things didn't leave my mouth, I still thought them a lot. As I was on my way to my Global Perspectives class this morning grumbling in my mind about how cold it was outside, I asked God to help me take my complaints and turn them to praises. I began to think of how awesome God is every time I wanted to complain about something, and let me tell you, it really changed my whole day. I had a much better attitude because instead of wasting time thinking about all the little things that are wrong in my life, I took the time to thank God for all the big things that are right in my life.
As I was in the prayer room talking with God today, I looked up verses about complaining and found Phillipians 2:14 :
It's not easy. Today was difficult and I did screw up, but I've read that 21 days makes a habit. So for the next 21 days, I am going to try my hardest to not complain. I am going to instead praise God for the things I have. I am going to be thankful and mindful of Him instead of wasting time complaining in my head. I'm going to do it, and I'm going to watch God change me from the inside out and it's going to be wonderful.
I encourage you guys to do the same. And hold me accountable. When I start complaining about the fact that I have to get up for my 7:45 class, remind me of my commitment to God. I'm going to need people to do that for me. I just want to encourage you guys to remember that everything you do reflects Christ, and I'm not saying this from some holy high-horse, because trust me, I screw up all the time, but I think that if we, as a body of Christ, committed ourselves more to thinking and talking about God's blessings instead of complaining about the small stuff, we could see God change a lot of lives and do a lot of really incredible things.
Yesterday, out of the blue, I decided that today I would not complain at all. I dragged two of my friends along with me on my adventure of not complaining so I had some moral support and people to keep me accountable when I started complaining.
I realized I complain a lot more than I thought. Before today, I didn't realize how much I complain. And it's about useless things, too. I say I'm tired a lot. And really, who cares? We're in college. We're all tired, and me sitting here complaining about my lack of sleep isn't helping that fact. I also complain in my mind a lot. Most of the things I have to think are complaints about something. And even though I took the time today to try hard to make sure those things didn't leave my mouth, I still thought them a lot. As I was on my way to my Global Perspectives class this morning grumbling in my mind about how cold it was outside, I asked God to help me take my complaints and turn them to praises. I began to think of how awesome God is every time I wanted to complain about something, and let me tell you, it really changed my whole day. I had a much better attitude because instead of wasting time thinking about all the little things that are wrong in my life, I took the time to thank God for all the big things that are right in my life.
As I was in the prayer room talking with God today, I looked up verses about complaining and found Phillipians 2:14 :
"Do everything without complaining or arguing."And I thought to myself, Do everything without complaining or arguing, Elyse. Everything. Not just today. Every day of your life. Do your homework without complaining. Write your papers without complaining. Walk in the cold without complaining. Clean your room without complaining. Serve others without complaining. Study without complaining. Pull all-nighters without complaining. Be tired without complaining. Don't just not complain when things are good, but also when things are not so good. Do every single thing without complaining.
It's not easy. Today was difficult and I did screw up, but I've read that 21 days makes a habit. So for the next 21 days, I am going to try my hardest to not complain. I am going to instead praise God for the things I have. I am going to be thankful and mindful of Him instead of wasting time complaining in my head. I'm going to do it, and I'm going to watch God change me from the inside out and it's going to be wonderful.
I encourage you guys to do the same. And hold me accountable. When I start complaining about the fact that I have to get up for my 7:45 class, remind me of my commitment to God. I'm going to need people to do that for me. I just want to encourage you guys to remember that everything you do reflects Christ, and I'm not saying this from some holy high-horse, because trust me, I screw up all the time, but I think that if we, as a body of Christ, committed ourselves more to thinking and talking about God's blessings instead of complaining about the small stuff, we could see God change a lot of lives and do a lot of really incredible things.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Missionary At Heart
I'm just having one of those weeks when America is the last place I want to be. Don't get me wrong, this is a great county. I'm so grateful to live here. I just don't want to be here anymore.
I'm called to missions. The only thing I have ever wanted to be is a missionary. I've been on lots of short-term mission trips, and on these trips, I have had so many life-changing experiences. I have fallen in love with so many different cultures and countries. Coming back from that is hard. America is not my favorite place in the world. In fact, I could name 10 places off the top of my head that I'd rather be than America.
But I have to realize that God has me here for a reason. He has me here, not just at North Central, but in Minneapolis, for a reason. He didn't just put me here to go to school and learn about Him so that I could become a missionary. Yes, that is one of the reasons I am here. But there are so many other reasons I am here and I need to remember that. God called me to be a missionary - why should I wait until I go to another country? I need to be more engaged in the culture around me here in Minneapolis. I need to love and to reach out more because these people are God's people just as much as the kids in Haiti are. They are just as desperate for Christ and if they die and go to Hell because I didn't reach them - that is on my head. I just can't keep living with that and feeling okay. I need to be more in love with the people in the place that I am now.
This is just something God has been speaking to me lately and I thought I'd share it with you, because it applies to everyone - wether you're called to be a missionary or not. You need to reach out to the people around you. Yes, Christ said to go into all the world and preach the gospel, but sometimes we just need to go next door and do the same thing.
I just want to encourage you guys to do that. Pray for the people in your community. Love them the way Christ loves them. Go out of your way to serve them. Tell them about Jesus. God put you where you are now for a reason - don't take it for granted.
So as I look up mission trips I want to go on and dream of other countries, I know that God will call me there soon enough. I know I am not meant to live in America for the rest of my life. I know God has this incredible plan for my life. I know there is a reason I have such a heart for people that are not American, why it breaks my heart to see people from other countries struggling. I know that God created me to be a missionary somewhere else, and my time will come soon enough - but for now, I just need to focus on being Christ to the people that are around me every single day.
I'm called to missions. The only thing I have ever wanted to be is a missionary. I've been on lots of short-term mission trips, and on these trips, I have had so many life-changing experiences. I have fallen in love with so many different cultures and countries. Coming back from that is hard. America is not my favorite place in the world. In fact, I could name 10 places off the top of my head that I'd rather be than America.
But I have to realize that God has me here for a reason. He has me here, not just at North Central, but in Minneapolis, for a reason. He didn't just put me here to go to school and learn about Him so that I could become a missionary. Yes, that is one of the reasons I am here. But there are so many other reasons I am here and I need to remember that. God called me to be a missionary - why should I wait until I go to another country? I need to be more engaged in the culture around me here in Minneapolis. I need to love and to reach out more because these people are God's people just as much as the kids in Haiti are. They are just as desperate for Christ and if they die and go to Hell because I didn't reach them - that is on my head. I just can't keep living with that and feeling okay. I need to be more in love with the people in the place that I am now.
This is just something God has been speaking to me lately and I thought I'd share it with you, because it applies to everyone - wether you're called to be a missionary or not. You need to reach out to the people around you. Yes, Christ said to go into all the world and preach the gospel, but sometimes we just need to go next door and do the same thing.
I just want to encourage you guys to do that. Pray for the people in your community. Love them the way Christ loves them. Go out of your way to serve them. Tell them about Jesus. God put you where you are now for a reason - don't take it for granted.
So as I look up mission trips I want to go on and dream of other countries, I know that God will call me there soon enough. I know I am not meant to live in America for the rest of my life. I know God has this incredible plan for my life. I know there is a reason I have such a heart for people that are not American, why it breaks my heart to see people from other countries struggling. I know that God created me to be a missionary somewhere else, and my time will come soon enough - but for now, I just need to focus on being Christ to the people that are around me every single day.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Freedom
Today was a good day. I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this post right now, other than the fact that I know I should write and that God kind of wants me to write right now, so here I am, writing at midnight when I have a paper I really should be working on and morning classes tomorrow. I hope this is good.
I went to a conference tonight with my really good friend (and awesome DL) Lacey, and two of her friends that I met tonight. I don't know why I went. I just said yes when she asked and on the way there, I was kind of freaking out about my paper and regretting choosing to go, because I'm a crazy perfectionist and need to have everything done like two weeks before it's actually due and I swear, it's not very healthy. But anyways, I went. And I'm so glad I did.
Jim Anderson was speaking. Lacey had told me about a lot of the things he's preached about before and I was excited to finally get the chance to hear him for myself, because from what Lacey said, he sounded like a really great guy. And he is. His message was all about God's heart for his daughters and how culture has warped it into a lot of things it's not. He talked about sexual purity and the way men have not been good brothers in Christ for His daughters.
It touched me a lot. During his message, I noted a few things that I just want to share with you guys, things that I think are really great and that we can learn from.
I went to a conference tonight with my really good friend (and awesome DL) Lacey, and two of her friends that I met tonight. I don't know why I went. I just said yes when she asked and on the way there, I was kind of freaking out about my paper and regretting choosing to go, because I'm a crazy perfectionist and need to have everything done like two weeks before it's actually due and I swear, it's not very healthy. But anyways, I went. And I'm so glad I did.
Jim Anderson was speaking. Lacey had told me about a lot of the things he's preached about before and I was excited to finally get the chance to hear him for myself, because from what Lacey said, he sounded like a really great guy. And he is. His message was all about God's heart for his daughters and how culture has warped it into a lot of things it's not. He talked about sexual purity and the way men have not been good brothers in Christ for His daughters.
It touched me a lot. During his message, I noted a few things that I just want to share with you guys, things that I think are really great and that we can learn from.
- Feelings are fickle.
- Let's get back to the great romance - where Jesus chose us.
- "Hooking up" doesn't work when God's original design for a daughter is to be loved for who she is as a person, not in her sexuality.
- God gives us boundaries on sexuality because He loves us and knows how we will get hurt.
- Your value has nothing to do with your sexuality.
- You don't have to apologize for wanting to be loved - God designed you for appropriate attention.
- We're made to do what's right instead of what's easy.
- When we allow a demonic message about a girl's worth and value to enter a generation, things like human trafficking happen.
- Culture says "Don't you dare talk about your past or your pain." God says the opposite.
- God will separate your heart from your history.
So after this really awesome message, we had a time of prayer. And I was just talking to God like, "Well that was really great, what do You want me to hear from You through this?" And then Jim Anderson started talking about how the mistakes we've made in our past don't have to define us anymore and how God can shut the doors we opened out of sin and how we need to forgive the people that brought us there. And I just started bawling my eyes out and I don't know, I don't really think I need to write about any of this right now, but I made a lot of decisions and forgave someone who's hurt me a whole lot and I don't know - I just think that the freedom that is in Christ is such a beautiful thing, ya know? Like, you can walk away from something. You can walk away from it for years and get to the point where you don't even think about it anymore, but it's always there. There's always going to be hatred and pain whenever someone brings it up. And unforgiveness, it has this way of destroying you. It tears apart at you and turns you into a very bitter person that doesn't love the way Christ intended you to. And when you finally let go of that, when you finally forgive and allow God to shut that door and just walk away, you kind of walk away like the weight of the world was just lifted off your shoulders and you just feel different. Like everything is going to be okay and like you just got rid of something really poisonous that has been living inside of you.
And it's not easy - forgiving someone you've hated for years, someone you've tried a million times before to forgive. It's not easy to say their name out loud and to say that you've forgiven them. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. But tonight was the most freeing night of my life, and even as I just sit here and type this at 12:16 on a Thursday night, I know that I will never forget this night and the way that God changed me.
I'm sorry, this is so not like me. This is so raw. I know there's a million grammar mistakes in here. Forgive me. But I just feel like there's someone out there that needs to read this - that needs to know that God can take that unforgiveness and help you walk through it. He can free you. He can shut those doors that have been open so long, and you can walk in complete freedom. I hope someone out there needs to hear that - because if not, this is probably just one really horribly written blog post.
Anyways. God is good.
Goodnight.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Valentine's Day
Forewarning: You will probably think I'm crazy after reading this. Also, it is going to be really long. Now you can't say I didn't warn you.
It's Valentine's Day. I can truly say I love this day. I used to hate it. I used to say that it was nothing but a Hallmark holiday, a chance for Americans to be even more selfish than we already are. I would watch couples giving each other chocolate and flowers and hate everything. I was probably the number one hater of Valentine's Day. That was until last year, when I woke up and decided that I was done hating this holiday. I was done having a horrible attitude because all it did was make me have a horrible day and horrible days are a waste of time. I decided to suck it up, put on a smile (and a dress), and walk through the holiday. This was in part inspired by my personal hero, Jamie Tworkowski, who posted this blog. I'd encourage you to read it.
So, as this year came around, I once again decided it was going to love this day, and so far, it has been an incredible day filled with really great adventures. It all started off with waking up early and putting on my cutest outfit (special thanks and shout out to Phoenicia for the tights and shoes), and since then has been filled with laughs and friendship and joy. I've loved every second of this day and look forward to what else is in store for the night.
Of course, with Valentine's Day comes thoughts of love, and I can't even tell you how perfectly this Valentine's Day has been timed in my life. God is just, wow. So cool. Let me tell you about what He's been doing in my life.
In January, I really felt like God was calling for my attention. I didn't really know what He wanted me to hear, but knew that it had something to do with totally focusing on Him. So, I devoted February solely to Him.
I'm not boy crazy. I'm not one of those girls that constantly talks about boys and I can't even really remember the last time I had a boyfriend. It's just never been me. But I am a girl. And being a girl means that you think about boys, and sometimes you think about boys more than you think about God. And I don't think you really realize how much you think about boys until you devote yourself to not doing so. February 1st, I told God that this month was going to be spent with my eyes on Him alone. Every time I even think about a guy, I decide to think of God instead. I have been taking my thoughts captive and submitting them to Christ. It's not easy. It's not fun. But it's oh so worth it.
The amount of things God has spoken to me in these past 14 days is just beyond words. He has been working in my life in such incredible ways. I am so blessed.
One of the things God has been speaking to me is that this may not just be a February thing. In fact, I know that it is not going to be just a February thing. It is probably going to be for a really long time, if not for forever. I know. I'm crazy. And don't get me wrong, I am not totally committing to this or turning into a nun. I am still working with God through this, but for this moment, I know that I am going to be single for the foreseeable future.
One of my biggest pet peeves is something that we have all heard. "God has someone planned for everyone." We have all been taught this. People act like it's scripture, like it's totally true. It's not true. It's nowhere near true. And we don't like to accept that. We don't like to accept the fact that being called to singleness is not the worst thing that could happen to you. We don't want to even think that is a possibility, because we equate singleness with loneliness, and nobody wants to walk this road alone. But we don't realize that we'll never be alone. Single or married - we are never alone. God is with us. And I fully believe that God will always be with me.
I haven't screwed up. I haven't done something wrong to get this calling that I believe God may be calling me to. It's not a curse. It's a blessing - a very beautiful, incredible, difficult blessing. I have complete trust in the fact that if God is, in fact, calling me to singleness for the rest of my life, it means He has something much better than a man planned for me. He has a plan for my life - that hasn't changed. He will always be with me, every step of the way. And I will never walk alone. I will hold tight to my Jesus, the lover of my soul. I will go through every Valentine's Day knowing that my Valentine gave His life for me and loves me in a way no human being ever could.
I'm happier than I ever have been, and I am learning what it's like to completely surrender to Christ every part of my life. I can't believe it took me 18 years to figure this out.
Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.
It's Valentine's Day. I can truly say I love this day. I used to hate it. I used to say that it was nothing but a Hallmark holiday, a chance for Americans to be even more selfish than we already are. I would watch couples giving each other chocolate and flowers and hate everything. I was probably the number one hater of Valentine's Day. That was until last year, when I woke up and decided that I was done hating this holiday. I was done having a horrible attitude because all it did was make me have a horrible day and horrible days are a waste of time. I decided to suck it up, put on a smile (and a dress), and walk through the holiday. This was in part inspired by my personal hero, Jamie Tworkowski, who posted this blog. I'd encourage you to read it.
So, as this year came around, I once again decided it was going to love this day, and so far, it has been an incredible day filled with really great adventures. It all started off with waking up early and putting on my cutest outfit (special thanks and shout out to Phoenicia for the tights and shoes), and since then has been filled with laughs and friendship and joy. I've loved every second of this day and look forward to what else is in store for the night.
Of course, with Valentine's Day comes thoughts of love, and I can't even tell you how perfectly this Valentine's Day has been timed in my life. God is just, wow. So cool. Let me tell you about what He's been doing in my life.
In January, I really felt like God was calling for my attention. I didn't really know what He wanted me to hear, but knew that it had something to do with totally focusing on Him. So, I devoted February solely to Him.
I'm not boy crazy. I'm not one of those girls that constantly talks about boys and I can't even really remember the last time I had a boyfriend. It's just never been me. But I am a girl. And being a girl means that you think about boys, and sometimes you think about boys more than you think about God. And I don't think you really realize how much you think about boys until you devote yourself to not doing so. February 1st, I told God that this month was going to be spent with my eyes on Him alone. Every time I even think about a guy, I decide to think of God instead. I have been taking my thoughts captive and submitting them to Christ. It's not easy. It's not fun. But it's oh so worth it.
The amount of things God has spoken to me in these past 14 days is just beyond words. He has been working in my life in such incredible ways. I am so blessed.
One of the things God has been speaking to me is that this may not just be a February thing. In fact, I know that it is not going to be just a February thing. It is probably going to be for a really long time, if not for forever. I know. I'm crazy. And don't get me wrong, I am not totally committing to this or turning into a nun. I am still working with God through this, but for this moment, I know that I am going to be single for the foreseeable future.
One of my biggest pet peeves is something that we have all heard. "God has someone planned for everyone." We have all been taught this. People act like it's scripture, like it's totally true. It's not true. It's nowhere near true. And we don't like to accept that. We don't like to accept the fact that being called to singleness is not the worst thing that could happen to you. We don't want to even think that is a possibility, because we equate singleness with loneliness, and nobody wants to walk this road alone. But we don't realize that we'll never be alone. Single or married - we are never alone. God is with us. And I fully believe that God will always be with me.
I haven't screwed up. I haven't done something wrong to get this calling that I believe God may be calling me to. It's not a curse. It's a blessing - a very beautiful, incredible, difficult blessing. I have complete trust in the fact that if God is, in fact, calling me to singleness for the rest of my life, it means He has something much better than a man planned for me. He has a plan for my life - that hasn't changed. He will always be with me, every step of the way. And I will never walk alone. I will hold tight to my Jesus, the lover of my soul. I will go through every Valentine's Day knowing that my Valentine gave His life for me and loves me in a way no human being ever could.
I'm happier than I ever have been, and I am learning what it's like to completely surrender to Christ every part of my life. I can't believe it took me 18 years to figure this out.
Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Identity Crisis
Miller Hall Challenge Week continues, and so does the work of God in my life. God has been speaking so many things to me recently and it has been so incredible to see the way He is moving mountains in my life. Today's challenge is to wear no make up and to cover up all the mirrors and to just focus on how God sees you. The first part wasn't hard for me, since I can't really even remember the last time I wore make up on a regular day that had no special occasion. I thought the second part would be pretty easy too, but I have found it's actually a challenge to have no idea how I look right now and to just hope it's not horrible. As I got ready today it was foreign to me to not look at myself in the mirror. Even on the mission trips I have gone on when I was at my absolute worst in the way I looked, I at least knew I looked horrible. I think the scary part is not knowing.
All of this being afraid of not knowing how I look has gotten me thinking about how it correlates with what God has been speaking to me in this past week. He has really been showing me what I am to Him. I doubt myself a lot. I forget who I am. I forget that I was bought by the blood of Jesus Christ. I forget that I am a daughter of the living God. I forget that I was created intricately, that God wrote my every day before I even came to be. I forget these things and I feel as if I am worthless, caught up in my sin and my failures. I forget my identity.
God has been showing me who I am. He has been showing me how He sent His Son to die for me and He would do it over and over again, He has been showing me that He has this incredible plan for me, that there are people out there somewhere in the world that are waiting for me to come and tell them about Jesus. There are people's lives that depend on mine. I am His daughter, and no matter how many times I fall short, He will love me the same. He will pick me up and fix me. He is cheering me on. He is fighting for me. I do not need to be perfect, because He is perfect. I don't need to be completely whole, because I was created to know His love and to be made whole by Him alone. I am of infinite worth in His arms. I am a world-changer and a life-saver and an impact on this world. I am not a mistake.
I don't need to search for my identity in anything but Him. I don't need to be identified by anything but Jesus Christ, by the fact that I am a daughter of God.
It has been such an incredible week and hearing God tell me these things is exactly what I needed. I think that a lot of times we forget who we are and we need to look to God to remind us. My prayer for us today is that we would find our identity in God alone, that we wouldn't search in anything else to tell us who we are.
And to all the Miller Hall girls participating in our challenge today, I just want to encourage you all by letting you know that you are so beautiful and wonderful and I am so proud of you for doing this. It may be the hardest thing you have ever done, but I just pray that God would show you the things he has been showing me lately and that it would all be worth it. I hope you feel beautiful today.
All of this being afraid of not knowing how I look has gotten me thinking about how it correlates with what God has been speaking to me in this past week. He has really been showing me what I am to Him. I doubt myself a lot. I forget who I am. I forget that I was bought by the blood of Jesus Christ. I forget that I am a daughter of the living God. I forget that I was created intricately, that God wrote my every day before I even came to be. I forget these things and I feel as if I am worthless, caught up in my sin and my failures. I forget my identity.
God has been showing me who I am. He has been showing me how He sent His Son to die for me and He would do it over and over again, He has been showing me that He has this incredible plan for me, that there are people out there somewhere in the world that are waiting for me to come and tell them about Jesus. There are people's lives that depend on mine. I am His daughter, and no matter how many times I fall short, He will love me the same. He will pick me up and fix me. He is cheering me on. He is fighting for me. I do not need to be perfect, because He is perfect. I don't need to be completely whole, because I was created to know His love and to be made whole by Him alone. I am of infinite worth in His arms. I am a world-changer and a life-saver and an impact on this world. I am not a mistake.
I don't need to search for my identity in anything but Him. I don't need to be identified by anything but Jesus Christ, by the fact that I am a daughter of God.
It has been such an incredible week and hearing God tell me these things is exactly what I needed. I think that a lot of times we forget who we are and we need to look to God to remind us. My prayer for us today is that we would find our identity in God alone, that we wouldn't search in anything else to tell us who we are.
And to all the Miller Hall girls participating in our challenge today, I just want to encourage you all by letting you know that you are so beautiful and wonderful and I am so proud of you for doing this. It may be the hardest thing you have ever done, but I just pray that God would show you the things he has been showing me lately and that it would all be worth it. I hope you feel beautiful today.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Miller Hall Challenge Week
It is "Miller Hall Challenge Week" this week, and basically that means that my dorm hall is doing a week of growing closer to God in different aspects and we have new challenges for each day that will help us in that quest. Yesterday, the challenge was to fast all media. I knew it was going to be a hard day because I had a lot of homework I had to do online and it was difficult to not open a new tab and check my Facebook or look at my phone to see if I had gotten any texts, but I did it. And in doing it, I learned a lot.
The amount of time I spend consumed with media is disgusting. Even when I go to spend time with God, I find it difficult to focus unless I have worship music blasting in my ears. Now, I'm not saying that listening to worship music is bad by any means, just that sometimes, it's a good idea to take a step back from all those things and just focus on God in the simplest of ways.
As I was spending time with God yesterday, I was praying for two main things in my walk with Him. I prayed that first off, I would be more consumed with Him than I am with media. If I were to spend as much time with God that I do every day with media, my relationship with Him would be so much stronger. My second prayer was that I would be able to worship Him in the purest of ways. I realized that simplicity is so pure. I want to make my heart as pure as possible in my pursuit of Christ.
I am looking forward to the rest of the week as new challenges come with each day, and I'm sure I will be posting about them. I am so excited because I have already made some commitments to God that will go beyond this week. One of those is that each week, I am going to take one day and fast media and just seek His face. It is not going to be an easy thing to do, but it is going to be so worth it in the end.
I am so stoked to see what God has in store for all of us girls in Miller Hall the rest of this challenge week. I know that He is going to do great things.
The amount of time I spend consumed with media is disgusting. Even when I go to spend time with God, I find it difficult to focus unless I have worship music blasting in my ears. Now, I'm not saying that listening to worship music is bad by any means, just that sometimes, it's a good idea to take a step back from all those things and just focus on God in the simplest of ways.
As I was spending time with God yesterday, I was praying for two main things in my walk with Him. I prayed that first off, I would be more consumed with Him than I am with media. If I were to spend as much time with God that I do every day with media, my relationship with Him would be so much stronger. My second prayer was that I would be able to worship Him in the purest of ways. I realized that simplicity is so pure. I want to make my heart as pure as possible in my pursuit of Christ.
I am looking forward to the rest of the week as new challenges come with each day, and I'm sure I will be posting about them. I am so excited because I have already made some commitments to God that will go beyond this week. One of those is that each week, I am going to take one day and fast media and just seek His face. It is not going to be an easy thing to do, but it is going to be so worth it in the end.
I am so stoked to see what God has in store for all of us girls in Miller Hall the rest of this challenge week. I know that He is going to do great things.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Worth Fighting For
As stated by my last post, I'm going through a lot right now. I've learned that life isn't always easy and there will be times and seasons during which it will be a struggle to be happy due to certain circumstances. I'm in one of those seasons, and it's not easy. It's not easy waking up every day and having to make the choice to be joyful, to be passionate for God, to fight with all you've got to rest in God's presence.
Through this time in my life, I've learned that God is worth fighting for. Happiness and the joy of the Lord are things worth fighting for, and sometimes, we are going to have to fight for them. Just because you're a Christian doesn't mean life is easy, but it does mean that you will never have to walk alone, that God will always be there to lift you up.
Even though it has been a hard season, I am so thankful to be walking through this because it has strengthened my walk with God in ways I can't even describe. I have found that there is so much joy in simply being in His presence, and that He needs to always, always be my number one, even when I don't feel like putting Him first.
I've been reading through Job and it's been so incredible to see that he was going through so much more than I am right now, and he still found rest in God. He never let go. He fought for God. I want to be more like him. I want to continually fight for my time with God, even when my schedule gets busy and my life gets hard. I want to fight to rest in the joy that is found only in spending time with Christ, and I want to walk in His peace every moment of my life.
I want to encourage you guys to fight for your time with God. Fight for His joy. It's more than worth it, and once you get a taste of it, you will want it more and more.
Through this time in my life, I've learned that God is worth fighting for. Happiness and the joy of the Lord are things worth fighting for, and sometimes, we are going to have to fight for them. Just because you're a Christian doesn't mean life is easy, but it does mean that you will never have to walk alone, that God will always be there to lift you up.
Even though it has been a hard season, I am so thankful to be walking through this because it has strengthened my walk with God in ways I can't even describe. I have found that there is so much joy in simply being in His presence, and that He needs to always, always be my number one, even when I don't feel like putting Him first.
I've been reading through Job and it's been so incredible to see that he was going through so much more than I am right now, and he still found rest in God. He never let go. He fought for God. I want to be more like him. I want to continually fight for my time with God, even when my schedule gets busy and my life gets hard. I want to fight to rest in the joy that is found only in spending time with Christ, and I want to walk in His peace every moment of my life.
I want to encourage you guys to fight for your time with God. Fight for His joy. It's more than worth it, and once you get a taste of it, you will want it more and more.
"The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."
-Job 1:21
Friday, January 13, 2012
God is Good, Always.
Well, I am officially three days into my second semester here at NCU. I wish I could tell you everything is all great and peachy, but this is real life, and in real life, that isn't always the case. Things have been really rough lately. I've been struggling in more ways than one. Winter sucks.
Today, I was spending some time with God, just talking to Him about everything that's going on right now in life, and since it's the 13th, I decided to read Psalm 13, and realized that it was about my life right now. Crazy.
Today, I was spending some time with God, just talking to Him about everything that's going on right now in life, and since it's the 13th, I decided to read Psalm 13, and realized that it was about my life right now. Crazy.
"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Lean on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give life to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, 'I have overcome him,' and my foes will rejoice when I fail. But I trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for He has been good to me."As you probably did, I was reading the first 4 verses feeling like crap, but then I got to that fifth verse and it was just a great reminder. I must always trust in God because He is good to me regardless of my current situation. My reality does not have to define my destiny. My God is faithful always, even when I am struggling. He has already done so many great things for me and I need to remember to rejoice in those always and trust in the joy of the Lord to be my strength all of my days.
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