Freedom

Today was a good day. I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this post right now, other than the fact that I know I should write and that God kind of wants me to write right now, so here I am, writing at midnight when I have a paper I really should be working on and morning classes tomorrow. I hope this is good.

I went to a conference tonight with my really good friend (and awesome DL) Lacey, and two of her friends that I met tonight. I don't know why I went. I just said yes when she asked and on the way there, I was kind of freaking out about my paper and regretting choosing to go, because I'm a crazy perfectionist and need to have everything done like two weeks before it's actually due and I swear, it's not very healthy. But anyways, I went. And I'm so glad I did.

Jim Anderson was speaking. Lacey had told me about a lot of the things he's preached about before and I was excited to finally get the chance to hear him for myself, because from what Lacey said, he sounded like a really great guy. And he is. His message was all about God's heart for his daughters and how culture has warped it into a lot of things it's not. He talked about sexual purity and the way men have not been good brothers in Christ for His daughters.

It touched me a lot. During his message, I noted a few things that I just want to share with you guys, things that I think are really great and that we can learn from.

• Feelings are fickle.
• Let's get back to the great romance - where Jesus chose us.
• "Hooking up" doesn't work when God's original design for a daughter is to be loved for who she is as a person, not in her sexuality.
• God gives us boundaries on sexuality because He loves us and knows how we will get hurt.
• Your value has nothing to do with your sexuality.
• You don't have to apologize for wanting to be loved - God designed you for appropriate attention.
• We're made to do what's right instead of what's easy.
• When we allow a demonic message about a girl's worth and value to enter a generation, things like human trafficking happen.
• Culture says "Don't you dare talk about your past or your pain." God says the opposite.
• God will separate your heart from your history.

So after this really awesome message, we had a time of prayer. And I was just talking to God like, "Well that was really great, what do You want me to hear from You through this?" And then Jim Anderson started talking about how the mistakes we've made in our past don't have to define us anymore and how God can shut the doors we opened out of sin and how we need to forgive the people that brought us there. And I just started bawling my eyes out and I don't know, I don't really think I need to write about any of this right now, but I made a lot of decisions and forgave someone who's hurt me a whole lot and I don't know - I just think that the freedom that is in Christ is such a beautiful thing, ya know? Like, you can walk away from something. You can walk away from it for years and get to the point where you don't even think about it anymore, but it's always there. There's always going to be hatred and pain whenever someone brings it up. And unforgiveness, it has this way of destroying you. It tears apart at you and turns you into a very bitter person that doesn't love the way Christ intended you to. And when you finally let go of that, when you finally forgive and allow God to shut that door and just walk away, you kind of walk away like the weight of the world was just lifted off your shoulders and you just feel different. Like everything is going to be okay and like you just got rid of something really poisonous that has been living inside of you.

And it's not easy - forgiving someone you've hated for years, someone you've tried a million times before to forgive. It's not easy to say their name out loud and to say that you've forgiven them. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. But tonight was the most freeing night of my life, and even as I just sit here and type this at 12:16 on a Thursday night, I know that I will never forget this night and the way that God changed me.

I'm sorry, this is so not like me. This is so raw. I know there's a million grammar mistakes in here. Forgive me. But I just feel like there's someone out there that needs to read this - that needs to know that God can take that unforgiveness and help you walk through it. He can free you. He can shut those doors that have been open so long, and you can walk in complete freedom. I hope someone out there needs to hear that - because if not, this is probably just one really horribly written blog post.

Anyways. God is good. 

Goodnight.

Valentine's Day

Forewarning: You will probably think I'm crazy after reading this. Also, it is going to be really long. Now you can't say I didn't warn you.

It's Valentine's Day. I can truly say I love this day. I used to hate it. I used to say that it was nothing but a Hallmark holiday, a chance for Americans to be even more selfish than we already are. I would watch couples giving each other chocolate and flowers and hate everything. I was probably the number one hater of Valentine's Day. That was until last year, when I woke up and decided that I was done hating this holiday. I was done having a horrible attitude because all it did was make me have a horrible day and horrible days are a waste of time. I decided to suck it up, put on a smile (and a dress), and walk through the holiday. This was in part inspired by my personal hero, Jamie Tworkowski, who posted this blog. I'd encourage you to read it.

So, as this year came around, I once again decided it was going to love this day, and so far, it has been an incredible day filled with really great adventures. It all started off with waking up early and putting on my cutest outfit (special thanks and shout out to Phoenicia for the tights and shoes), and since then has been filled with laughs and friendship and joy. I've loved every second of this day and look forward to what else is in store for the night.

Of course, with Valentine's Day comes thoughts of love, and I can't even tell you how perfectly this Valentine's Day has been timed in my life. God is just, wow. So cool. Let me tell you about what He's been doing in my life.

In January, I really felt like God was calling for my attention. I didn't really know what He wanted me to hear, but knew that it had something to do with totally focusing on Him. So, I devoted February solely to Him.

I'm not boy crazy. I'm not one of those girls that constantly talks about boys and I can't even really remember the last time I had a boyfriend. It's just never been me. But I am a girl. And being a girl means that you think about boys, and sometimes you think about boys more than you think about God. And I don't think you really realize how much you think about boys until you devote yourself to not doing so. February 1st, I told God that this month was going to be spent with my eyes on Him alone. Every time I even think about a guy, I decide to think of God instead. I have been taking my thoughts captive and submitting them to Christ. It's not easy. It's not fun. But it's oh so worth it.

The amount of things God has spoken to me in these past 14 days is just beyond words. He has been working in my life in such incredible ways. I am so blessed.

One of the things God has been speaking to me is that this may not just be a February thing. In fact, I know that it is not going to be just a February thing. It is probably going to be for a really long time, if not for forever. I know. I'm crazy. And don't get me wrong, I am not totally committing to this or turning into a nun. I am still working with God through this, but for this moment, I know that I am going to be single for the foreseeable future.

One of my biggest pet peeves is something that we have all heard. "God has someone planned for everyone." We have all been taught this. People act like it's scripture, like it's totally true. It's not true. It's nowhere near true. And we don't like to accept that. We don't like to accept the fact that being called to singleness is not the worst thing that could happen to you. We don't want to even think that is a possibility, because we equate singleness with loneliness, and nobody wants to walk this road alone. But we don't realize that we'll never be alone. Single or married - we are never alone. God is with us. And I fully believe that God will always be with me.

I haven't screwed up. I haven't done something wrong to get this calling that I believe God may be calling me to. It's not a curse. It's a blessing - a very beautiful, incredible, difficult blessing. I have complete trust in the fact that if God is, in fact, calling me to singleness for the rest of my life, it means He has something much better than a man planned for me. He has a plan for my life - that hasn't changed. He will always be with me, every step of the way. And I will never walk alone. I will hold tight to my Jesus, the lover of my soul. I will go through every Valentine's Day knowing that my Valentine gave His life for me and loves me in a way no human being ever could.

I'm happier than I ever have been, and I am learning what it's like to completely surrender to Christ every part of my life. I can't believe it took me 18 years to figure this out.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.

Identity Crisis

Miller Hall Challenge Week continues, and so does the work of God in my life. God has been speaking so many things to me recently and it has been so incredible to see the way He is moving mountains in my life. Today's challenge is to wear no make up and to cover up all the mirrors and to just focus on how God sees you. The first part wasn't hard for me, since I can't really even remember the last time I wore make up on a regular day that had no special occasion. I thought the second part would be pretty easy too, but I have found it's actually a challenge to have no idea how I look right now and to just hope it's not horrible. As I got ready today it was foreign to me to not look at myself in the mirror. Even on the mission trips I have gone on when I was at my absolute worst in the way I looked, I at least knew I looked horrible. I think the scary part is not knowing.
All of this being afraid of not knowing how I look has gotten me thinking about how it correlates with what God has been speaking to me in this past week. He has really been showing me what I am to Him. I doubt myself a lot. I forget who I am. I forget that I was bought by the blood of Jesus Christ. I forget that I am a daughter of the living God. I forget that I was created intricately, that God wrote my every day before I even came to be. I forget these things and I feel as if I am worthless, caught up in my sin and my failures. I forget my identity.
God has been showing me who I am. He has been showing me how He sent His Son to die for me and He would do it over and over again, He has been showing me that He has this incredible plan for me, that there are people out there somewhere in the world that are waiting for me to come and tell them about Jesus. There are people's lives that depend on mine. I am His daughter, and no matter how many times I fall short, He will love me the same. He will pick me up and fix me. He is cheering me on. He is fighting for me. I do not need to be perfect, because He is perfect. I don't need to be completely whole, because I was created to know His love and to be made whole by Him alone. I am of infinite worth in His arms. I am a world-changer and a life-saver and an impact on this world. I am not a mistake.
I don't need to search for my identity in anything but Him. I don't need to be identified by anything but Jesus Christ, by the fact that I am a daughter of God.
It has been such an incredible week and hearing God tell me these things is exactly what I needed. I think that a lot of times we forget who we are and we need to look to God to remind us. My prayer for us today is that we would find our identity in God alone, that we wouldn't search in anything else to tell us who we are.
And to all the Miller Hall girls participating in our challenge today, I just want to encourage you all by letting you know that you are so beautiful and wonderful and I am so proud of you for doing this. It may be the hardest thing you have ever done, but I just pray that God would show you the things he has been showing me lately and that it would all be worth it. I hope you feel beautiful today.

Miller Hall Challenge Week

It is "Miller Hall Challenge Week" this week, and basically that means that my dorm hall is doing a week of growing closer to God in different aspects and we have new challenges for each day that will help us in that quest. Yesterday, the challenge was to fast all media. I knew it was going to be a hard day because I had a lot of homework I had to do online and it was difficult to not open a new tab and check my Facebook or look at my phone to see if I had gotten any texts, but I did it. And in doing it, I learned a lot.
The amount of time I spend consumed with media is disgusting. Even when I go to spend time with God, I find it difficult to focus unless I have worship music blasting in my ears. Now, I'm not saying that listening to worship music is bad by any means, just that sometimes, it's a good idea to take a step back from all those things and just focus on God in the simplest of ways.
As I was spending time with God yesterday, I was praying for two main things in my walk with Him. I prayed that first off, I would be more consumed with Him than I am with media. If I were to spend as much time with God that I do every day with media, my relationship with Him would be so much stronger. My second prayer was that I would be able to worship Him in the purest of ways. I realized that simplicity is so pure. I want to make my heart as pure as possible in my pursuit of Christ.
I am looking forward to the rest of the week as new challenges come with each day, and I'm sure I will be posting about them. I am so excited because I have already made some commitments to God that will go beyond this week. One of those is that each week, I am going to take one day and fast media and just seek His face. It is not going to be an easy thing to do, but it is going to be so worth it in the end.
I am so stoked to see what God has in store for all of us girls in Miller Hall the rest of this challenge week. I know that He is going to do great things.