I Think God is a Writer

It's 1:30AM, and I can't sleep. It's 1:30AM on a summer Friday night. It's 1:30AM on the night after God began revealing something new to me, and today, it's still keeping me up.

I'm sure there will be more posts about this at some point, when I start figuring it all out and God teaches me more. But for now, it's 1:30AM and I'm up writing this blog post, because I can't sleep, and because I am a writer. Because I think God is a writer, too.

This all started yesterday. I woke up to do some devos and lately, they have been kind of dry, so I've been really desperate for something new from God. And He gave me something new. Something I'm still trying to unpack and fully understand - but something very new, and very exciting. And then I went on a run and ended up stopping at the Stone Arch Bridge because I saw flowers as a memorial for what I'm assuming is a suicide victim. And I stood on that bridge for a very long time, my heart completely broken for the broken. And I had a one-on-one earlier this week and was able to talk about my dreams and the passions God has given me for the broken, and I spent a few hours looking at plane tickets to Seattle. And I spent time with a man who I can see being in my future. And I don't know, I've just been processing a lot lately, and here I am writing all of it - because I am a writer. Because I think God is a writer, too.

If I could, I would write it in a way that makes more sense, but for now, I can't really find the right words. So instead, I'll leave you with a journal entry from the day God started showing me this:

I think you're a writer God. Because you invest so much time into me and love me in this unique way. You're quirky and you write billions of stories. You pay attention to details and paint sunsets only a writer could. You make things for your eyes only and delight in those hidden things. You show off, too. You display your characters for all to see and you take pride in those creations. Your heart breaks when theirs does, too.

You stay up all night, don't you? Tirelessly working on a story. And yet, you're so much more than a writer, as I can understand it. Because you let your stories go. You let them have the choice to take the pen. Even when it's better for them to let you write, they still take it. And yet, you're still there to take it back when they've realized they've failed. When they come to you broken, you gladly and forgivingly take that pen back. You write in things that fix them. You heal them.

You love words, don't you? God, I think you're a writer. I, too, Lord, am a writer. And, as a writer, it's hard for me to let someone else write my story. It's hard to let you have the pen because I forget. I forget that you know how the story ends. I forget that I'm only a character. I forget, and my pride gets in the way, and I try to be the writer. I think that, if I have control, I can write my story better than you ever could. How silly of me to believe that - to think that a character could take the writer's place. I'm sorry. 

The journal entry went on a lot more about control and how I so often feel the need to have it over God, which is just stupid of me. But I so often try to write my own story and forget that God is the most perfect writer out there.

There will be more posts about this when it makes more sense to me, but for now, this is all I have. Because I am a writer, but I am not the perfect writer - God is. And there are some words I may never know how to say.

Or perhaps God just hasn't given me them yet.

The Love of Christ

It has been quite a while since I last posted on this blog. To be honest, it's because I didn't have much to say. Last semester was really rough for me, especially in the spiritual aspect of things. I was very stagnant in my relationship with God and didn't really make a whole lot of progress. I kind of went through the motions and did the minimum. I'm disappointed in myself looking back on what I could have done/been last semester, but I am walking forward and choosing to make new and better choices, especially concerning my walk with Christ.

This semester has started off with a great start. I have been much more faithful in spending time with God daily and have been so blessed by Him. I have been loving my floor and the girls God has placed in my life as well as my incredible boyfriend who continues to love me and help me draw nearer to the plan God has for my life. I recently (today, actually) got a job and am enjoying my classes thus far.

Something that God has really been laying on my heart lately is His love for me. I know, I know. It's cliche and girly. But it is real and it is something God has really been working in me. I have had a few amazing realizations about His love such as: if we fully knew and understood Christ's love for us, we would not still be living the way we did before we knew that love, and that His love is two-fold: it causes us to dwell and be in awe, but it also causes us to look beyond ourselves and share it with others. And tonight at Praise Gathering, God just spoke to me about His love for the entire two hours. It was so amazing. I can't really put it into words, but I thought I would share my journal entry from tonight with you guys so hopefully you can grasp the love that I was feeling from Him.

Your Spirit is so thick in this room. Your presence is so great and sweet I don't even know what to say or write. I don't know how to describe your love. It is something that even I can fail to say. It can not be put into a box comprised of ink and paper. It is free-flowing and unending. It is so incomprehensible to a mind so small as mine. Even a mind you created to make words form sentences can not even begin to capture the love you have for me. I am at a loss for words, grasping at strings, trying to find verbs, and racking my brain - the brain you created for such a purpose as finding words - can find but none other than "I love you, my child. I love you. I love you."

You love me with a love that is deep and passionate, a love that is holy and mighty and strong. A love that is not merely a good feeling but a love that overcomes all feelings of incompetency. A love that, in making me understand that I am, in fact, imperfect in describing the sheer vastness of Your glory, makes me understand that I am made whole and beautiful in Your arms. Because I am a girl searching, grasping, desperate for the love of a perfect Father that does not do me wrong. Here I stand broken, unsure, and unholy. Here I stand trying to find all the right words and fining nothing but despair and doubt. Here am I, a girl in awe of the love You have for her that you so freely give.

You love me with a love that is restorative and redemptive. A love that disciplines, corrects, and motivates. A love that does not let me stay at the place I am at. You love me with a perfect love, the dance of a father and his princess. The love of a man for his bride, of a mother for her child, of a good and perfect king for his people. You love me with a love that is unchanging regardless of my continual failure. You love me with a love that you acted upon and died for. You love me in my imperfections, in my sin, in my lust, in my greed, in my depression, in my unhealthy strive for perfectionism.

For You could have created anything and You created me. You could dwell anywhere and You chose to dwell in me - in my heart. In the heart of a daughter romanced by her King. You created me on purpose for a purpose and believing anything else would be devaluing to the life You gave because of this love. You love me with a love that leaves me craving more of You every moment of every day for Your love does not fail or leave me.

How foolish of me to believe I could ever run from you. How silly for me to think I could ever comprehend You or the love You have for me. Nothing stands in comparison to even an ounce of Your presence. Nothing tastes as sweet as this love. I will love You for the rest of my days.

Teach me to love You and others with a love even half as selfless and sweet as the love You have poured out upon me here tonight. Teach me to be as desperate for reaching the lost as You are for reaching Your people. Teach me to dwell in Your presence and love and not reject or run away from such a perfect example of grace and mercy. Teach me to embrace Your love and to allow it to change me from the inside out - to a girl passionate for Your people. Teach me to allow Your love to mold me. Show me how once Your love touches me I can not claim ignorance or walk away unchanged for Your love is a love that drastically and dramatically changes everything it touches.

I stand in total awe of You. How could I, a girl broken and bruised, impure and forsaken, be worth a love so thick and real? And still You love me, in all of my failures and doubts. You chose to love me with all of my dirt. How am I worthy? How do I learn to accept such a love? 

For Your love is perfect and it does not go away. Your love brings freedom. Your love brings revival. Your love brings the dead to life. Your love changes everything. Your love forgives and redeems, it keeps no record of wrongs.

The same love that gave sight to the blind and rose the dead to life lives in me. That same love is now upon me - something which I can not fathom or understand. Your love is unfailing and unending. It brings the dead in me to life and to a point of pure surrender of all wants and desires, for how could I, after experiencing this love, ever want anything more?

I give you all of me tonight, Lord. Take every part of me. I love you, too. 

God's love is so amazing, guys.
Blessings,
Elyse