Happy New Year

The ball drops and fireworks. Resolutions are made.
People scream and people kiss and is it possible to change?
Is it really truly possible to leave the past behind?

 The above words were written three years ago by someone I look up to a lot, founder of TWLOHA, Jamie Tworkowski. New Year's Eve has always been my favorite holiday because of the beauty of a single moment: because of the hope of change, because of the thought of moving forward - leaving the past behind and becoming new. This NYE, I found myself surrounded by the same friends I have been surrounded by for the past 18 or so years (maybe not on NYE specifically, as I imagine when I was three years old, I spent NYE at home, but you get the point). I was incredibly grateful for the people in that room, for the lifelong friendships I have been so blessed by. I had fun laughing and playing games, watching the ball drop and screaming countdowns. I brought in the new year with a kiss to my fiancé and I was joyful.

However, I didn't want to look back on 2014. I didn't want to, as I usually do, think of the change that year brought me. I think I knew it would hurt too much. 2014 was, hands down, the hardest year of my life. I walked through the grief of losing one of my closest friends from high school. I celebrated with my best friend/roommate as she walked across the stage at graduation, and then felt the pain of that loss as we said goodbye the next day. I spent seven months away from Zeke, three of those not knowing if we were going to even make it out of the summer. I spent my last semester feeling completely alone, as most of my friends had already graduated or moved on to other things. I battled the greatest depression I have ever faced. I spent days in my bedroom, crying for hours on end. I watched entire series' on Netflix because I was afraid to feel. I stopped turning in assignments on time because I didn't care. It was awful.

But I made it. As I look back on the worst year of my life, I find so much victory. I graduated college a semester early. I finished an 83-page paper about the thing I am most passionate about. I got accepted to a pretty competitive internship. I went to counseling for the first time in years, finally accepting that I needed help and understanding I couldn't do it alone. I walked into a doctor's office and asked about antidepressants. I asked for help grieving the loss of my friend on the one-year anniversary of his death from almost-complete strangers. I kept a resolution going that I made three years ago to stop eating meat. I said "yes" to marrying the love of my life. I made it. I made it. I made it through.

As I look forward to 2015, I am equally terrified and thrilled. In eight days, I will move to Florida and start an internship I have wanted since I was in high school. I will move to a place where I don't know a single person and start a new life for myself. I will live with eight awesome people and create memories I'm sure will last a lifetime. In 138 days, I will say "I do" and start the greatest adventure of my life. And from there, I have no idea where I will go. I do know that I will walk out of 2015 a completely different person (literally, since my name will be "Elyse Lawson" eek!), and I hope that I will find more healing in this new year.

Am I ready for what 2015 has for me? Heck, no. But I am excited, and I am hopeful. And I know I have a God that will be there for me every second of every day.