If you had asked me four years ago what one single thing I was most passionate about in life, I would have quickly and without hesitation said, "To Write Love On Her Arms." I'm embarrassed to now admit that I would have been able to rattle off facts about Jamie and that I spent too many car rides staring out windows daydreaming about interning with TWLOHA while simultaneously finding a Florida boy to fall in love with. I was 17, so give me a break. I was facing my personal struggles with self-injury and depression, and TWLOHA was the hope I needed. It was the light at the end of the tunnel, and I held it so dear to me.
Fast forward a few years - to last summer. I was still very passionate about TWLOHA, but new passions were budding. I was working at a youth center and it was a job that never felt like I was going to work. I was interning at a student ministries position with a church I loved. I was mentoring a few students, and I had never felt happier. I was in the middle of finishing my Youth Development degree, and each day I was falling more and more in love with the program. I had never felt more at home.
A few months later, I applied for an internship with TWLOHA and when I was accepted, I couldn't have been more excited. It was surreal to feel like I had come full-circle. From a 14-year old girl first hearing about TWLOHA and being amazed that someone else had put my pain into words that didn't feel like so much hurt, to a 21-year old woman who had just finished college and was going to go be a part of the organization that changed so much of my life.
Now, I'm exactly one week from being done with this internship. The experience I've had here is one I'm not sure I'll ever be able to put into words. I still have to remind myself sometimes that this is real and it's happening and I'm actually working with TWLOHA. I have loved going into the office every day and getting the chance to respond to emails sent in by our supporters - people asking questions and sharing stories. I have been let into so many different stories of people hurting and people celebrating and it has been absolutely incredible. I have also gotten a chance to help do the behind-the-scenes things at TWLOHA. The things you don't think about when you think about us. Bank statements and donor databases and a love/hate relationship with SalesForce.
Mostly, I have met people who have left very big footprints in my life. People who I have laughed with, cried with, and lived with. People who are willing to travel hundreds of miles just to celebrate my wedding with me when I have only known them for a few months. A girl who owned 40-something TWLOHA shirts before we started getting them for free, and another who had just heard of this a few months prior to coming here. People who have not judged my incredible love of anything free I can get my hands on, and people who have held me up when the stress of planning a wedding and hitting month 11 of being long-distance with my fiancé got the best of me. People who have taught me to love and to love well, and others who have extended that love to me when I had done nothing to deserve it.
I have learned more about community than I ever thought possible in these past few months. I have also learned so much about myself. I have learned that I love crepes, I still hate running, and I am a lot more redneck than I originally thought. I have learned that I suck at loving people sometimes, and that at other times, I am really quite good at it. I have learned that depression does not define me and that as much as it is okay to not be okay, it is okay to be okay, too. I stepped into the scary unknown of a world where depression didn't haunt me every day, and I've come out alright. I have struggled and I have celebrated. I have failed and succeeded. And I have learned a lot about where my passions lie.
I was afraid of this term ending for a little while. Because this is something I have wanted to do for so long, I was afraid that it would feel like I accomplished my dream and now there wasn't much left to do. I was afraid that I would feel empty. And actually, the opposite has happened. One of the most prominent things I learned throughout my time here was that TWLOHA is no longer the thing I am most passionate about. I am still very passionate about this organization and the work it does. I have nothing bad to say about TWLOHA. This organization is full of wonderful people making a big difference, and I have cherished every second I have spent working here.
But, for a while, I have felt like something was missing. I have felt like I wasn't working out of my greatest passion. It has been so difficult to work where I don't interact with or mentor students regularly. I've learned that maybe my heart for student ministry and youth work is where my biggest passion lies now, and I've learned that that's okay. It doesn't mean my time here was wasted. It doesn't mean I don't appreciate and love that I had this experience. It just means that I leave here with a full heart and better knowledge of who I am.
It was very scary to come to this realization, and for a little while, I felt like I was doing something wrong or failing in some way. After talking to Zeke and some of my fellow interns, I realized that I'm feeling so afraid because for a long time, this was my greatest dream. I thought I would come here and then I could just kind of float by for the rest of my life. But God won't let me off that easy. And change is a scary thing, but I'm learning to embrace it. I'm learning to embrace the fact that the God I serve is a God who is constantly molding and changing me into the daughter He wants me to be.
So, here I am. One week from finishing up one of the coolest experiences I have ever had, and my heart is full. I am ready to walk away from here, not as a different person, but as a person more true to myself and to what I believe God is calling me to. I'm very excited about what is to come, and I'm also very afraid - because other than getting married, I have no plans. But I'm going to learn to be okay with that and let God direct my path and continue to pray that His plans become my plans, because they are far greater and far better than my own.
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