Freedom

Today was a good day. I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this post right now, other than the fact that I know I should write and that God kind of wants me to write right now, so here I am, writing at midnight when I have a paper I really should be working on and morning classes tomorrow. I hope this is good.

I went to a conference tonight with my really good friend (and awesome DL) Lacey, and two of her friends that I met tonight. I don't know why I went. I just said yes when she asked and on the way there, I was kind of freaking out about my paper and regretting choosing to go, because I'm a crazy perfectionist and need to have everything done like two weeks before it's actually due and I swear, it's not very healthy. But anyways, I went. And I'm so glad I did.

Jim Anderson was speaking. Lacey had told me about a lot of the things he's preached about before and I was excited to finally get the chance to hear him for myself, because from what Lacey said, he sounded like a really great guy. And he is. His message was all about God's heart for his daughters and how culture has warped it into a lot of things it's not. He talked about sexual purity and the way men have not been good brothers in Christ for His daughters.

It touched me a lot. During his message, I noted a few things that I just want to share with you guys, things that I think are really great and that we can learn from.

• Feelings are fickle.
• Let's get back to the great romance - where Jesus chose us.
• "Hooking up" doesn't work when God's original design for a daughter is to be loved for who she is as a person, not in her sexuality.
• God gives us boundaries on sexuality because He loves us and knows how we will get hurt.
• Your value has nothing to do with your sexuality.
• You don't have to apologize for wanting to be loved - God designed you for appropriate attention.
• We're made to do what's right instead of what's easy.
• When we allow a demonic message about a girl's worth and value to enter a generation, things like human trafficking happen.
• Culture says "Don't you dare talk about your past or your pain." God says the opposite.
• God will separate your heart from your history.

So after this really awesome message, we had a time of prayer. And I was just talking to God like, "Well that was really great, what do You want me to hear from You through this?" And then Jim Anderson started talking about how the mistakes we've made in our past don't have to define us anymore and how God can shut the doors we opened out of sin and how we need to forgive the people that brought us there. And I just started bawling my eyes out and I don't know, I don't really think I need to write about any of this right now, but I made a lot of decisions and forgave someone who's hurt me a whole lot and I don't know - I just think that the freedom that is in Christ is such a beautiful thing, ya know? Like, you can walk away from something. You can walk away from it for years and get to the point where you don't even think about it anymore, but it's always there. There's always going to be hatred and pain whenever someone brings it up. And unforgiveness, it has this way of destroying you. It tears apart at you and turns you into a very bitter person that doesn't love the way Christ intended you to. And when you finally let go of that, when you finally forgive and allow God to shut that door and just walk away, you kind of walk away like the weight of the world was just lifted off your shoulders and you just feel different. Like everything is going to be okay and like you just got rid of something really poisonous that has been living inside of you.

And it's not easy - forgiving someone you've hated for years, someone you've tried a million times before to forgive. It's not easy to say their name out loud and to say that you've forgiven them. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. But tonight was the most freeing night of my life, and even as I just sit here and type this at 12:16 on a Thursday night, I know that I will never forget this night and the way that God changed me.

I'm sorry, this is so not like me. This is so raw. I know there's a million grammar mistakes in here. Forgive me. But I just feel like there's someone out there that needs to read this - that needs to know that God can take that unforgiveness and help you walk through it. He can free you. He can shut those doors that have been open so long, and you can walk in complete freedom. I hope someone out there needs to hear that - because if not, this is probably just one really horribly written blog post.

Anyways. God is good. 

Goodnight.

Valentine's Day

Forewarning: You will probably think I'm crazy after reading this. Also, it is going to be really long. Now you can't say I didn't warn you.

It's Valentine's Day. I can truly say I love this day. I used to hate it. I used to say that it was nothing but a Hallmark holiday, a chance for Americans to be even more selfish than we already are. I would watch couples giving each other chocolate and flowers and hate everything. I was probably the number one hater of Valentine's Day. That was until last year, when I woke up and decided that I was done hating this holiday. I was done having a horrible attitude because all it did was make me have a horrible day and horrible days are a waste of time. I decided to suck it up, put on a smile (and a dress), and walk through the holiday. This was in part inspired by my personal hero, Jamie Tworkowski, who posted this blog. I'd encourage you to read it.

So, as this year came around, I once again decided it was going to love this day, and so far, it has been an incredible day filled with really great adventures. It all started off with waking up early and putting on my cutest outfit (special thanks and shout out to Phoenicia for the tights and shoes), and since then has been filled with laughs and friendship and joy. I've loved every second of this day and look forward to what else is in store for the night.

Of course, with Valentine's Day comes thoughts of love, and I can't even tell you how perfectly this Valentine's Day has been timed in my life. God is just, wow. So cool. Let me tell you about what He's been doing in my life.

In January, I really felt like God was calling for my attention. I didn't really know what He wanted me to hear, but knew that it had something to do with totally focusing on Him. So, I devoted February solely to Him.

I'm not boy crazy. I'm not one of those girls that constantly talks about boys and I can't even really remember the last time I had a boyfriend. It's just never been me. But I am a girl. And being a girl means that you think about boys, and sometimes you think about boys more than you think about God. And I don't think you really realize how much you think about boys until you devote yourself to not doing so. February 1st, I told God that this month was going to be spent with my eyes on Him alone. Every time I even think about a guy, I decide to think of God instead. I have been taking my thoughts captive and submitting them to Christ. It's not easy. It's not fun. But it's oh so worth it.

The amount of things God has spoken to me in these past 14 days is just beyond words. He has been working in my life in such incredible ways. I am so blessed.

One of the things God has been speaking to me is that this may not just be a February thing. In fact, I know that it is not going to be just a February thing. It is probably going to be for a really long time, if not for forever. I know. I'm crazy. And don't get me wrong, I am not totally committing to this or turning into a nun. I am still working with God through this, but for this moment, I know that I am going to be single for the foreseeable future.

One of my biggest pet peeves is something that we have all heard. "God has someone planned for everyone." We have all been taught this. People act like it's scripture, like it's totally true. It's not true. It's nowhere near true. And we don't like to accept that. We don't like to accept the fact that being called to singleness is not the worst thing that could happen to you. We don't want to even think that is a possibility, because we equate singleness with loneliness, and nobody wants to walk this road alone. But we don't realize that we'll never be alone. Single or married - we are never alone. God is with us. And I fully believe that God will always be with me.

I haven't screwed up. I haven't done something wrong to get this calling that I believe God may be calling me to. It's not a curse. It's a blessing - a very beautiful, incredible, difficult blessing. I have complete trust in the fact that if God is, in fact, calling me to singleness for the rest of my life, it means He has something much better than a man planned for me. He has a plan for my life - that hasn't changed. He will always be with me, every step of the way. And I will never walk alone. I will hold tight to my Jesus, the lover of my soul. I will go through every Valentine's Day knowing that my Valentine gave His life for me and loves me in a way no human being ever could.

I'm happier than I ever have been, and I am learning what it's like to completely surrender to Christ every part of my life. I can't believe it took me 18 years to figure this out.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.

Identity Crisis

Miller Hall Challenge Week continues, and so does the work of God in my life. God has been speaking so many things to me recently and it has been so incredible to see the way He is moving mountains in my life. Today's challenge is to wear no make up and to cover up all the mirrors and to just focus on how God sees you. The first part wasn't hard for me, since I can't really even remember the last time I wore make up on a regular day that had no special occasion. I thought the second part would be pretty easy too, but I have found it's actually a challenge to have no idea how I look right now and to just hope it's not horrible. As I got ready today it was foreign to me to not look at myself in the mirror. Even on the mission trips I have gone on when I was at my absolute worst in the way I looked, I at least knew I looked horrible. I think the scary part is not knowing.
All of this being afraid of not knowing how I look has gotten me thinking about how it correlates with what God has been speaking to me in this past week. He has really been showing me what I am to Him. I doubt myself a lot. I forget who I am. I forget that I was bought by the blood of Jesus Christ. I forget that I am a daughter of the living God. I forget that I was created intricately, that God wrote my every day before I even came to be. I forget these things and I feel as if I am worthless, caught up in my sin and my failures. I forget my identity.
God has been showing me who I am. He has been showing me how He sent His Son to die for me and He would do it over and over again, He has been showing me that He has this incredible plan for me, that there are people out there somewhere in the world that are waiting for me to come and tell them about Jesus. There are people's lives that depend on mine. I am His daughter, and no matter how many times I fall short, He will love me the same. He will pick me up and fix me. He is cheering me on. He is fighting for me. I do not need to be perfect, because He is perfect. I don't need to be completely whole, because I was created to know His love and to be made whole by Him alone. I am of infinite worth in His arms. I am a world-changer and a life-saver and an impact on this world. I am not a mistake.
I don't need to search for my identity in anything but Him. I don't need to be identified by anything but Jesus Christ, by the fact that I am a daughter of God.
It has been such an incredible week and hearing God tell me these things is exactly what I needed. I think that a lot of times we forget who we are and we need to look to God to remind us. My prayer for us today is that we would find our identity in God alone, that we wouldn't search in anything else to tell us who we are.
And to all the Miller Hall girls participating in our challenge today, I just want to encourage you all by letting you know that you are so beautiful and wonderful and I am so proud of you for doing this. It may be the hardest thing you have ever done, but I just pray that God would show you the things he has been showing me lately and that it would all be worth it. I hope you feel beautiful today.

Miller Hall Challenge Week

It is "Miller Hall Challenge Week" this week, and basically that means that my dorm hall is doing a week of growing closer to God in different aspects and we have new challenges for each day that will help us in that quest. Yesterday, the challenge was to fast all media. I knew it was going to be a hard day because I had a lot of homework I had to do online and it was difficult to not open a new tab and check my Facebook or look at my phone to see if I had gotten any texts, but I did it. And in doing it, I learned a lot.
The amount of time I spend consumed with media is disgusting. Even when I go to spend time with God, I find it difficult to focus unless I have worship music blasting in my ears. Now, I'm not saying that listening to worship music is bad by any means, just that sometimes, it's a good idea to take a step back from all those things and just focus on God in the simplest of ways.
As I was spending time with God yesterday, I was praying for two main things in my walk with Him. I prayed that first off, I would be more consumed with Him than I am with media. If I were to spend as much time with God that I do every day with media, my relationship with Him would be so much stronger. My second prayer was that I would be able to worship Him in the purest of ways. I realized that simplicity is so pure. I want to make my heart as pure as possible in my pursuit of Christ.
I am looking forward to the rest of the week as new challenges come with each day, and I'm sure I will be posting about them. I am so excited because I have already made some commitments to God that will go beyond this week. One of those is that each week, I am going to take one day and fast media and just seek His face. It is not going to be an easy thing to do, but it is going to be so worth it in the end.
I am so stoked to see what God has in store for all of us girls in Miller Hall the rest of this challenge week. I know that He is going to do great things.

Worth Fighting For

As stated by my last post, I'm going through a lot right now. I've learned that life isn't always easy and there will be times and seasons during which it will be a struggle to be happy due to certain circumstances. I'm in one of those seasons, and it's not easy. It's not easy waking up every day and having to make the choice to be joyful, to be passionate for God, to fight with all you've got to rest in God's presence.
Through this time in my life, I've learned that God is worth fighting for. Happiness and the joy of the Lord are things worth fighting for, and sometimes, we are going to have to fight for them. Just because you're a Christian doesn't mean life is easy, but it does mean that you will never have to walk alone, that God will always be there to lift you up.
Even though it has been a hard season, I am so thankful to be walking through this because it has strengthened my walk with God in ways I can't even describe. I have found that there is so much joy in simply being in His presence, and that He needs to always, always be my number one, even when I don't feel like putting Him first.
I've been reading through Job and it's been so incredible to see that he was going through so much more than I am right now, and he still found rest in God. He never let go. He fought for God. I want to be more like him. I want to continually fight for my time with God, even when my schedule gets busy and my life gets hard. I want to fight to rest in the joy that is found only in spending time with Christ, and I want to walk in His peace every moment of my life.
I want to encourage you guys to fight for your time with God. Fight for His joy. It's more than worth it, and once you get a taste of it, you will want it more and more.

"The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."
-Job 1:21

God is Good, Always.

Well, I am officially three days into my second semester here at NCU. I wish I could tell you everything is all great and peachy, but this is real life, and in real life, that isn't always the case. Things have been really rough lately. I've been struggling in more ways than one. Winter sucks.
Today, I was spending some time with God, just talking to Him about everything that's going on right now in life, and since it's the 13th, I decided to read Psalm 13, and realized that it was about my life right now. Crazy.

"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Lean on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give life to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, 'I have overcome him,' and my foes will rejoice when I fail. But I trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for He has been good to me." 

As you probably did, I was reading the first 4 verses feeling like crap, but then I got to that fifth verse and it was just a great reminder. I must always trust in God because He is good to me regardless of my current situation. My reality does not have to define my destiny. My God is faithful always, even when I am struggling. He has already done so many great things for me and I need to remember to rejoice in those always and trust in the joy of the Lord to be my strength all of my days.

Reflections on My First Semester

Right now, I feel the greatest sense of accomplishment I have ever felt in my life. I feel, at this moment, more proud of myself than I ever have been. As I was walking back home today after my last class, I felt more accomplished than when I walked across the stage at graduation or when I went on a mission trip for two whole months or when I got second place in the nation for my essay. I am so proud of myself because I have finally completed my first semester of college.

Yes, it's true. The never-ending pile of homework, classes, finals, papers, exams and quizzes has finally come to an end. As of 9:00 this morning, I was officially completely done with my first semester of college.

This semester has been, by far, three of the hardest months of my life. Coming here was the hardest thing I have ever done. I walked away from the only world I ever knew to come to a place where nobody knew my name. I left behind all my friends and family to chase after a dream God had given me years ago. It wasn't easy. It was a transition that consisted of a lot of tears and a lot of days where I would just sit in the prayer room asking God why He would ever think bringing me here was a good idea. It took a lot of work to transition into a life where I had to actually make an effort to make friends and do well in school. Life was so easy for me pre-NCU; I never had to do homework and making friends came naturally to me. Here at NCU, neither of those things were true. It was a slow process and it took a lot of effort, and some days, it still takes more effort, but I'm getting there.

These past three months have also been the best months of my life. I have changed so much in my time here at NCU. I have grown so much closer to God and have experienced and learned things I never imagined doing or learning. I made friends with some of the most incredible people I have ever met; friendships that I'm sure will last throughout my life. I have had so much fun. I have made memories that I will never forget. I have laughed harder than I have ever laughed before. I have found joy in the Lord, even when my days were bad. I've learned a lot about myself. I've learned that I am always going to be a work in progress. I'm not perfect, and I'm learning to be okay with that. I'm an introvert in more ways than I thought. I grew up a lot. I had to do a lot of "grown up" things this semester. I am not the same person today as I was when I walked into these doors for the first time.

The second day of this semester, I wrote a letter to myself to open on the last day of this semester, and I'd love to share it with you guys, so here it is:

Dear Second Semester Elyse,
As you write this, you have been 18 for three days now and today is your second day at NCU. You have a lot of mixed feelings. You know without a doubt that this is where God wants you, but this is a brand new experience for you. You miss people back home and are really lost and worried. You're terrified.
I hope that changes. I believe it will. I believe you will do wonderful things with God and you will not be the same person reading this that is writing this. This is where you belong. Your dreams are finally coming true and you're taking a step of faith into what God has for you. I am so proud of you. God is going to do great things in and through you.

Goals

1. Grow closer to God.
2. Feel more at home.
3. Make friends.
4. Open up; get out of your shell.
5. Trust God more.

This is going to be a great year. God has wonderful things in store for you.

Sincerely, 

First Semester Elyse

I am proud to say I accomplished all of my goals and more in these past few months. God has worked in me in incredible ways and I am so glad to have had this experience. I never thought I'd say this, but I don't want it to be over. I am glad for the break from school work that I will have, but I'm not really sure if I'm ready to move on from this semester into the next one. I don't know if I'm ready to go spend a month at home and transition into the next stage of life. But I know everything will be okay, because it's all a part of this incredible journey that God has me on and I'm just along for the ride. He has been faithful and good to me so far, He will continue to do so.

So today, I am proud. I am ready to see what else God has for me. I am thankful for these past few months, however difficult they have been. I am thankful for the people God has placed in my life at this time and for the people back in Michigan that will be welcoming me back. I am thankful for this new home, for this school, and for the fact that I am a new person today. I am reflecting back on what God has done for me, but yet looking forward to what else He is going to do.

To all my fellow NCU students, we did it! We finally made it through the horrors of finals week and all the weeks before it. This may have been the best semester of your life, it may have been the worst. If it's been the best, look forward to how God is going to make it even better next semester and be thankful for the times you've had. If it's been the worst, tomorrow brings the hope of a fresh start. I hope you all have a fantastic break, get rested up, continue to seek God, and come back ready to tackle next semester and finish the year out strong.

God bless you guys.