Sunday, October 12, 2014

An Open Letter to My Future Daughter, if She Struggles With Depression

I’ve been struggling to write this letter for a long, long time. I feel like it’s something that I need to write: a story I can’t not tell. I don’t know if this will ever reach you or if you will even exist. But, I think that, at some point, I realized there is no manual to this. There is no step-by-step guide that helps you through the complexities of living life with a mental illness. And I can’t write that.  I wish I could, but I can not tell you how to magically feel better, because if something like that exists, I haven’t found it yet. But I do think I can offer something. A few pieces of advice or things I’ve learned throughout my 7-plus-year struggle with this terrible illness.

There will be days when you need to remind yourself that your bedroom is not the world. It will suffocate you, you will feel the walls crashing in, the weight of the world outside of those four falls will be too heavy to bear. But, my darling, you need to find a way to get out of that bedroom. I know, it’s so, so hard. It feels impossible. And maybe some days, it is. That’s okay. Try again tomorrow. And tomorrow, find the strength to get out of bed and live this life you have been given. Remember that you have a story that this world needs to hear.

Please, remember, it is not your fault. I’ve learned that depression and shame are good lovers. They find their place in the bedroom of your mind and they fester, for weeks, months, years. They will tell you that it is your fault, they will tell you that you need to just be normal, they will tell you that nobody wants to hear you cry. Honey, you can not let them win. You have to fight those thoughts, because they are not true. You are not at fault. It is not your fault. It is okay to feel sad and to feel alone and to feel ashamed. It is okay to not be okay. It is not your fault that you feel this way.

You need other people. You can not fight this alone. Asking for help is an extremely difficult thing to do, but please, do it. Go to counseling or find a friend or a teacher or ask me about my scars. We are people and we were created to live in community with other people. Do not let this illness tell you that you are not worth other people’s time. You are worth every second this world has to offer.

You are not alone. Depression has a great way of telling you that you are the only person that feels this way. You are not. Community is vital.

Your story matters. You have a unique story that nobody else in this world has, and this world needs to hear it. Out of the 3 billion people on this planet, you are the only one that can tell your story. You have something to offer this world that nobody else can. So find a way to tell it. Scream it from the rooftops. Write it, paint it, sing it, play it – I don’t care, just know that it is more valuable than anything else in this world.

Celebrate the little victories. This morning, I made breakfast for myself and I wept tears of joy. There are so many little steps to recovery, and I want you to feel free to celebrate every single one. You went to the grocery store? Fantastic! You remembered to do the dishes? Awesome! You asked for help finding something at the bookstore? Way to go! You are wonderful. You are worth celebrating. You are worth love. You are worth love. You are worth love. Please, try to learn to love yourself. Self-care is so essential, and it is not selfish. It is not selfish to love yourself.

Failure is a part of life. There will be days when you don’t do so well. It’s okay. You are only human. We all fall. Don’t let it keep you from getting back up. Feel free to struggle. It is okay. Forgive yourself, my beautiful little girl. Do not harbor unforgiveness against yourself in your heart. You do not deserve that.

Recovery is coming. Depression will try to steal all your hope. Do not let it. The road to recovery is long. It is so hard. But it is also good. There are good days coming your way. It gets better. I know it doesn't feel like it does, but it does. One day you will look back on where you are now, and you will be so proud of how far you have made it. Remember to laugh. Remember the sound of your favorite song. Remember to scream those lyrics if you have to. Remember the way the sunset looked that one day when you were with the people you love and you were happy. Remember the times you let the sun hit your face and you smiled, and you knew that it wasn’t fake, because nobody was around. Remember to let yourself get angry, so angry, at this godforsaken disease. It is okay. Honey, the struggle you are going through now is so worth the reward at the end. You will make it. You can make it. The good days are coming. Do not give up.


Do not give up. I love you. You can do this. I am so proud of how far you have come and I am so proud of how far you are going to go. My love for you is not conditional. You do not have to earn my love by being happy. You do not have to be happy to be worthy of love. I will love you every day of my life and I want you to know how vital it is for you to not give up. Someday you will be on the other end of this. I promise. It’s worth the fight. You can do this. You can do this. You can do this.

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