The ball drops and fireworks. Resolutions are made.The above words were written three years ago by someone I look up to a lot, founder of TWLOHA, Jamie Tworkowski. New Year's Eve has always been my favorite holiday because of the beauty of a single moment: because of the hope of change, because of the thought of moving forward - leaving the past behind and becoming new. This NYE, I found myself surrounded by the same friends I have been surrounded by for the past 18 or so years (maybe not on NYE specifically, as I imagine when I was three years old, I spent NYE at home, but you get the point). I was incredibly grateful for the people in that room, for the lifelong friendships I have been so blessed by. I had fun laughing and playing games, watching the ball drop and screaming countdowns. I brought in the new year with a kiss to my fiancé and I was joyful.
People scream and people kiss and is it possible to change?
Is it really truly possible to leave the past behind?
However, I didn't want to look back on 2014. I didn't want to, as I usually do, think of the change that year brought me. I think I knew it would hurt too much. 2014 was, hands down, the hardest year of my life. I walked through the grief of losing one of my closest friends from high school. I celebrated with my best friend/roommate as she walked across the stage at graduation, and then felt the pain of that loss as we said goodbye the next day. I spent seven months away from Zeke, three of those not knowing if we were going to even make it out of the summer. I spent my last semester feeling completely alone, as most of my friends had already graduated or moved on to other things. I battled the greatest depression I have ever faced. I spent days in my bedroom, crying for hours on end. I watched entire series' on Netflix because I was afraid to feel. I stopped turning in assignments on time because I didn't care. It was awful.
But I made it. As I look back on the worst year of my life, I find so much victory. I graduated college a semester early. I finished an 83-page paper about the thing I am most passionate about. I got accepted to a pretty competitive internship. I went to counseling for the first time in years, finally accepting that I needed help and understanding I couldn't do it alone. I walked into a doctor's office and asked about antidepressants. I asked for help grieving the loss of my friend on the one-year anniversary of his death from almost-complete strangers. I kept a resolution going that I made three years ago to stop eating meat. I said "yes" to marrying the love of my life. I made it. I made it. I made it through.
As I look forward to 2015, I am equally terrified and thrilled. In eight days, I will move to Florida and start an internship I have wanted since I was in high school. I will move to a place where I don't know a single person and start a new life for myself. I will live with eight awesome people and create memories I'm sure will last a lifetime. In 138 days, I will say "I do" and start the greatest adventure of my life. And from there, I have no idea where I will go. I do know that I will walk out of 2015 a completely different person (literally, since my name will be "Elyse Lawson" eek!), and I hope that I will find more healing in this new year.
Am I ready for what 2015 has for me? Heck, no. But I am excited, and I am hopeful. And I know I have a God that will be there for me every second of every day.
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