I’ve been struggling to write this letter for a long, long
time. I feel like it’s something that I need to write: a story I can’t not tell.
I don’t know if this will ever reach you or if you will even exist. But, I think
that, at some point, I realized there is no manual to this. There is no
step-by-step guide that helps you through the complexities of living life with
a mental illness. And I can’t write that.
I wish I could, but I can not tell you how to magically feel better,
because if something like that exists, I haven’t found it yet. But I do think I
can offer something. A few pieces of advice or things I’ve learned throughout
my 7-plus-year struggle with this terrible illness.
There will be days
when you need to remind yourself that your bedroom is not the world. It
will suffocate you, you will feel the walls crashing in, the weight of the
world outside of those four falls will be too heavy to bear. But, my darling,
you need to find a way to get out of that bedroom. I know, it’s so, so hard. It
feels impossible. And maybe some days, it is. That’s okay. Try again tomorrow.
And tomorrow, find the strength to get out of bed and live this life you have
been given. Remember that you have a story that this world needs to hear.
Please, remember, it
is not your fault. I’ve learned that depression and shame are good lovers.
They find their place in the bedroom of your mind and they fester, for weeks,
months, years. They will tell you that it is your fault, they will tell you
that you need to just be normal, they will tell you that nobody wants to hear
you cry. Honey, you can not let them win. You have to fight those thoughts,
because they are not true. You are not at fault. It is not your fault. It is
okay to feel sad and to feel alone and to feel ashamed. It is okay to not be
okay. It is not your fault that you feel this way.
You need other
people. You can not fight this alone. Asking for help is an extremely
difficult thing to do, but please, do it. Go to counseling or find a friend or
a teacher or ask me about my scars. We are people and we were created to live
in community with other people. Do not let this illness tell you that you are
not worth other people’s time. You are worth every second this world has to
offer.
You are not alone. Depression
has a great way of telling you that you are the only person that feels this
way. You are not. Community is vital.
Your story matters. You
have a unique story that nobody else in this world has, and this world needs to
hear it. Out of the 3 billion people on this planet, you are the only one that
can tell your story. You have something to offer this world that nobody else
can. So find a way to tell it. Scream it from the rooftops. Write it, paint it,
sing it, play it – I don’t care, just know that it is more valuable than
anything else in this world.
Celebrate the little
victories. This morning, I made breakfast for myself and I wept tears of
joy. There are so many little steps to recovery, and I want you to feel free to
celebrate every single one. You went to the grocery store? Fantastic! You
remembered to do the dishes? Awesome! You asked for help finding something at
the bookstore? Way to go! You are wonderful. You are worth celebrating. You are
worth love. You are worth love. You are worth love. Please, try to learn to
love yourself. Self-care is so essential, and it is not selfish. It is not selfish to love yourself.
Failure is a part of
life. There will be days when you don’t do so well. It’s okay. You are only
human. We all fall. Don’t let it keep you from getting back up. Feel free to
struggle. It is okay. Forgive yourself, my beautiful little girl. Do not harbor unforgiveness against yourself in your heart. You do not deserve that.
Recovery is coming. Depression
will try to steal all your hope. Do not let it. The road to recovery is long.
It is so hard. But it is also good. There are good days coming your way. It gets better. I know it doesn't feel like it does, but it does. One
day you will look back on where you are now, and you will be so proud of how
far you have made it. Remember to laugh. Remember the sound of your favorite
song. Remember to scream those lyrics if you have to. Remember the way the
sunset looked that one day when you were with the people you love and you were
happy. Remember the times you let the sun hit your face and you smiled, and you
knew that it wasn’t fake, because nobody was around. Remember to let yourself
get angry, so angry, at this godforsaken disease. It is okay. Honey, the
struggle you are going through now is so worth the reward at the end. You will
make it. You can make it. The good days are coming. Do not give up.
Do not give up. I
love you. You can do this. I am so proud of how far you have come and I am
so proud of how far you are going to go. My love for you is not conditional.
You do not have to earn my love by being happy. You do not have to be happy to
be worthy of love. I will love you every day of my life and I want you to know
how vital it is for you to not give up. Someday you will be on the other end of
this. I promise. It’s worth the fight. You can do this. You can do this. You
can do this.
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